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Post by david on Jul 21, 2009 8:04:43 GMT -5
HAHAHA! OMG LOL ROFL! DAVID IS SUCH A DITZ!
When a hot chick says, "I need you!"
YOU TAKE HER!
*FACEPALMS DITZY DAVID*
I AGREE WITH THE FOX! Go with Foxy or Clop! XD
POST MORE!
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Post by Hades on Jul 21, 2009 8:43:56 GMT -5
DAVID YOU ARE SUCH A MORON.
>>
Men. Oy vey. ;D
Nani, you do NOT deserve him...go find someone better! ^^
Loved it. Keep up the awesome work. XD
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Post by Quasimodo on Jul 31, 2009 16:18:51 GMT -5
XDDD *stiffles a hyena laugh*
David`s such a jerk, poor nani*huggles* Someone should teah him to take a hint...
NO NOT YOU cLOP, GET THE ** OFF MY KEYBOARD! *pushes him*
Clop: sticks nose in air, singing* my nose is better than yours..
*makes mental note to lock chars outta room before reading diary*
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Post by somechick on Aug 3, 2009 4:34:37 GMT -5
Let's get down to buisness
To defeat the huns.
Did they send me daughters
When I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch I ever met
But you can bet before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man
Out of you.
Dear Diary
Passage 6 (I think? gotta keep track)/ Book A
Brer Fox's premises in the more natural part of town, was kinda nice for a change, as the premises of my own was always filled with cold technology, advanced security systems and exploding cars. It appeared to me that he must've eaten a fresh muskrat, to have such a rugged smile whenever we saw eachother; and I wondered when I peeped into his home, and saw the tied-up quivering animals that hung about in their bloody stupor, if I was sane to even visit him in such a cold, dark hour.
I guess I wasn't ever really the wisest of my family. I'd risk it all for the sake of expiring boredom, 'cause there was nothing for me to do anymore. Like, I'm starting to think like my family can take care of themselves; I'm just a bottle of Clorox - or a rusty pot - these days. Good for only cooking and cleaning.
It was in the stroke of midnight after my arrival that I ignored the quivering animals and the developing blood puddle on the floor; as much as I'd like to help them, Foxy was not a person to mess with. He was worse than Frollo, for his walls were covered in axes, chainsaws, instruments of torture in every corner, and, really, I just wanted to keep my fingers entact.
Within the cozy living room, despite the rotting stench that filled the air, almost made me wished I lived here because of the enviromental differences it posed. I calculated my approach 'cause there were time Brer Fox was paranoid, and, if frightened, would snap quickly and chase some poor stuttering visitor out of the house with a few missing limbs - no thanks to, er, 2Pak the Chainsaw (yeah, he thinks it's his pet, named after his idol). He isn't insane, really. He just purposefully acts insane.
If you get past the semi-illiteracy, he plots cleverly, a hidden genius under crimson fur. I discovered education wasn't everything after a few visits. He's kind of like a regular Hannibal Lecter, you know, the dude Anthony Hopkins played? He's a mix of Hannibal Lecter for the really simple fact he loved eating animals and humans alike, and like those southern folk from The Chain Saw Massacre. I even witnessed Brer Fox eating the brains off some poor chubby girl....
I think it was Myrtle.
Oh well, Lilo never liked her anyway.
Once I made my self known with a gentle clear of the throat, he appeared to smile crookedly, wickedly by looking across the the living room near the fireplaced, who appeared to transact his somewhat twisted state of mind by keeping his eye on me, who appeared to get on in life by striking fear into the hearts of even the bravest, who in his turn folded his arms and stared at the me with a haughty air, who stood at his fireplace with the sharpest fangs I've ever seen in my life. He was crazy - still is - and I knew it, still know it. I just didn't know why I considered him my friend.
Well, now I understood Lilo's choice of friends to say. I wasn't really any different from her. I had my odd tastes too, you know. But Foxy, however sensual and charming, was not one I could change the personality of with O'hana or good morale, he was his own being. He was like a cat in many ways, only coming to you when he wanted...or if you had something to offer physically, maybe even a bit of sex. But like anyone else, he still had feelings...even though he hides them extremely well while licking his chops...and staring at my long fingers like they're slender gourmet material.
Anyway, I proceeded in sitting on something hard and round, thought it was a couch. It turned out to be Brer Bear, asleep and covered with a green rug. "Duh-huh, I like pancakes," I heard him say, and, really, that just creeped me out! "Got yourself a new couch?" I said flatly, apologizing to the sleeping bear with a few gentle carresses. The bear flinched and mumbled something about his recent lover, in what appeared to be a dream, his lover being....A fire hydrant.
I guess this is the part where I look at the audience and arch my eyebrow with cynic displeasure, if I had a crowd. Thank gosh nobody reads this. But I guess this is why it's called a diary! Haaaaaah! Haaah! HOOOOO WAKA WAKA.... I'm funny, only in my diary. That's why I lost my job as a stand-up comedian not too long ago. -_-;
Foxy and I ate a little somethin'. I didn't really dare ask what. I knew well that if I asked I would keel over and die of a heart attack. He was wonderfully questionable at times. While I gazed into the fireplace, lost in sort of trance, Foxy was shamelessly picking his own teeth with a perfectly manicured claw...But he did this so gracefully, I didn't bother to even wrinkle my nose. I quietly considered talking to him and what he thought about eating animals alive, how it made him feel, like some sort of shrink.
"What'dya think, chubbeh?" <--- his response to all my questions in just these few words. I looked down to my lap and blushed, mumbling something bitter about myself. I insulted myself when the opportunity to do so stood.
For such reasons I was very glad when he fell silent; though I was not at all at my ease regarding the way his smile turned just as menacing as ever. Within a quarter of an hour he snickered madly within the comfort of his own home, which scared me. His giggles grew louder, shrill to the ears and alarming to the senses. His teeth were frightening.
I stiffened and hid behind Brer Bear revealing only my wide scared-as-hell eyes. He slithered over, the curve of his half-lidded, feminine eyes penetrating my defenses effortlessly as I curled up. He beckoned me up with a scowl, as if reprimanding me for being, namely, stupid. I narrowed my eyes, but kept my mouth shut. I was in his territory after all, and he had the upper hand if I tried anything too daring.
"Don't you start runnin' off with your tail between yo' legs! I's only wanna says somethin'. Can't yah stop shaking when I wanna say somethin'? Oh no, yah just can't. You more frightened than a skinned cat! Heeheeeheee! But youse so nosy..." he cried, shrill with laughter. And although he was insulting me, I could only keep my attention on how fast this guy talked. Gosh! How did his jaw stay pieced together so? I mean, it should have unhinged itself right about now.
"Yeah, yeah," I said flatly, facepalming. "Just go ahead and say it. I have an abnormally large nose. There! Now that it's said, I'm gonna march outta this house and regret ever coming to this pile of garba - "
He shook his head and wagged a clawed finger, giggling loudly. He kissed my nose a couple of times, gripping my chubby cheeks with his hands, just forcing me there. I could have freed myself, but I was too stunned. "You so stupid! I lahk yo' nose, but that ain't why I'm laughin'. You know how we alls have a laughin' place? Well, I'm justa about tah find mine."
"Really?"
"Oh yeahs, now I bets you can't be a man even if you tried. You sho' can't pull it off even if you cut yo lady parts up into tiny little pieces."
This really tried me, and grossed me out too. "What do you mean? I passed for a man in the springs, and nobody but you realized! I think even you fell for it."
He gave me a drop dead serious look, somewhat knowing.
Ok, ok, so he didn't! He actually went out and hugged my bottom the moment he saw me with my puny disguise.
"Are you daring me, Brer Fox?" I asked, my tone cynical. He pulled me close and whispered rapidly in my ear. He made me wish I didn't ask that.
---
I hissed through clenched teeth as I saw a certain gypsy fingering his puppets and petting them one by one. I waited until he was finished with his little puppet show, and crawled into his strange wooden caravan. After the children left, he spotted a pair of puppets and grinned slyly to himself. I watched hidden behind neatly stacked boxes, blinking.
A puppet was raised, probably of the male gender, and snuggling another of the female gender - cooing so sweetly, the complimenting of her button eyes, yarn hair. I was momentarily charmed, until I noticed where this was going. I facepalmed inwardly as he ruined the somewhat romantic moment with a few squeaks and giggles. "Oh Monsieur, why, you're so big! Heeehee!"
My jaw went slack as I noticed the pair look a lot like us. I hid a smile. I simply watched supressing inevitable laughter. The two humping puppets being quite the sight. He made it look almost real. I crawled out of my hiding place and sat on my bottom with a sweet-sounding, "Hello."
Clopin fell out of the caravan with a rather feminine scream. I gasped as I ran to catch him, but he had vanished. I searched desperately for him thinking I had somehow managed to kill him. I bit my lip when I found after a good few minutes no result. I was shifty-eyed. I felt a chin rest on my head.
"Did you ever find him?"
It was, of course, my turn to scream and fall out the caravan.
"There is something called knocking, is this too simple for you to comprehend, do even?" he asked sternly, shaking his head over me. Boy was he Mt. Olympus? He was too tall for his own good.
"Well, I didn't think I'd be intruding on..." I tried my hardest to sound somewhat bruised and annoyed, but my voice cracked even more with the passing time, "...some tend-tender lovemaking-g...HAHAHAH!"
Unamused expressions lingered as I laughed my head off, but boy would the gypsy get his revenge.
"So, what brings you here?" he asked.
I got sour quick.
"Sinceyou'reaguyandI'magirl,Ineedyoutoteachmetobeaguy." I muttered hurriedly.
He stroked his chin many times.
"Soyouneedmetoteachyouthewaysofbeingaman,yes?I'msorry,butI'mnottrainedverywellintheartofspeedtalk."
"Butcanyouteachmeanyway?"
"Yes,moncherie,ifyoustoptalkingsofastbecausemyjawhurts."
"Oh, uh, sorry..."
"Thank you." <--- panting Clopin.
---
"Now," he taped my more feminine parts flat...to the point of pain, "breasts are, eh, obviously a no-no, you see. So we're going to have to get rid of these. Hopefully this isn't as painful as it looks."
I groaned. This was painful! "%@#$E#!"
He wiped a tear away comically. "Oh, you're becoming a man already! I'm so proud."
I merely stared, unamused.
He threw a some worn clothes at me and beckoned me to put them on. I, half-naked and in pain, change with the biggest frown on my face since Oscar the Grouch. This was in a public bathroom too. I emerged with my hair under a rather frilly hat (Oh gosh, I just wanted to die) looking my gayest.
"How about we pay a visit to our favorite bellringer? But first thing's first..." he stood up straight, winking at a passing girl (I was horribly jealous), "You are to walk like a man. Now part your legs and strut with your back straight. Am I clear?"
He seemed unaware of my jealous gaze as I followed his instructions with a stubborn look. Of course, my look of stubborness turned into fear. He gave me a little push. I gulped and walked, tripping over people.
I heard him giggle. And, well, to prove him wrong...
I humiliated myself even more by trying again. He giggled even more, but this time with a group of gorgeous-looking girls.
I was red in the face. That #@$ jerk! I dragged him away from his little orgy by the ear, steaming. "C'mon..." I hissed, watching his astonished gaze. He was so oblivious.
I felt him shove a hand deep into my pants with something particularly large and warm. I jumped and screamed, grabbing my crotch. Then, oddly enough, I felt something hard and thick.
A CUCUMBER?!
He had a cross-eyed, dreamy look on his face. "That's the closest to heaven you'll ever get, buddy." I hissed.
"Indeed. If you are to become a man, you must have some sort of....package." He said smoothly, observing his gloved fingers, ignoring the fact he has just shoved a cucumber down my pants.
The girls nearby gasped at my new "package". One even came up to me asking for my phone number.
Bugger off.
---
"To greet your fellow brethern, you must give them a hearty punch to the shoulder. It acknowledges your presence, very much like the alpha wolf when interacting with his mates." He said.
What was this...Animal Planet?
"But I don't want to hurt Quasimodo. He's my friend..." I complained.
"Whoever said you'd hurt him? He'll enjoy it!" he exclaimed, enthused. "Oh, and when you see him, scratch you-know-where."
I froze. "Huh?"
He tsked. "Don't be shy, you do it like thi--"
I grabbed his wrist. "You'd better not touch me...or you're gonna lose a finger."
He snapped his fingers disappointedly. "Hmph."
I ran over to Quasimodo excitment clear on my face as I threw a punch to his shoulder. He winced and looked up, almost hurt but more confused than anything. "What was that for?" he asked softly.
I heard Clopin laughing from his hiding place. Quasimodo peered over my side. "Brought anyone with you?"
I felt guilty as I heard the gypsy laugh shamelessly. That little...
I understood it now...
(The Half-Butt Princess is not pleased...)
THAT TRAITOR HAD PLANNED THIS PRANK ALL ALONG WITH THAT DAMN FOX!
I ripped off my shirt, revealing a bandaged chest, and threw my hat off furiously. "Close your eyes Quasimodo...." I hissed.
The sweet hunchback did as he was told as I stomped over to the still snickering gypsy. Clopin was as still as stone the minute my shadow lurked over his giggling frame. Sore and humiliated, I reached for the cucumber and shoved it in his mouth.
"Now that's what I call a deep throat..." I said smugly. I punched him till he was unresponsive.
"I'm...sorry, Quasimodo..." I muttered, ashamed.
He merely laughed, for it was clear even he understood the cucumber joke.
---
Clopin had about four stitches, a hip fracture, and a temporarily dismantled voice box. I went to the hospital to see him. Í brought a set of thick-headed roses and placed them on the chair beside him. "Gotcha a new set of flowers," I said sympathetically, hand-patting him. Beside the gypsy was a hospitalized Brer Fox suffering some of the same symptoms as Clopin, if not worse.
I walked over to Brer Fox and petted him lovingly. "Gotcha some steak..."
The two were moaning from pain.
<3 And I loved every bit of it.
When the doctor left the two unsupervised, I allowed myself a devilish grin. Every time I petted Clopin, he both purred and flinched.
I love my boys.
[Next up, the Hades story...BWAHAHAH! Credits for the title go to Quasi, who asked me to type up a story concerning manliness xD.]
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Post by Disney on Aug 3, 2009 8:55:33 GMT -5
*ROFLMAO* OMG Nani, Are you trying to KILL Me?  I almost DIED laughing reading this.... XDDD LOVED The Myrtle-part. And the Cucumber was HILARIOUS! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!! |
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Post by foxiliscious on Aug 3, 2009 15:03:15 GMT -5
"Anyway, I proceeded in sitting on something hard and round, thought it was a couch. It turned out to be Brer Bear, asleep and covered with a green rug. "Duh-huh, I like pancakes," I heard him say, and, really, that just creeped me out! "Got yourself a new couch?" I said flatly, apologizing to the sleeping bear with a few gentle carresses. The bear flinched and mumbled something about his recent lover, in what appeared to be a dream, his lover being....A fire hydrant." ROFLMFAO!! OMG! I swear this was the best chapter by far and I laughed out loud so many times. XDDDDD My mum even heard me downstairs and was like: WTFudge?  I LOVES YOU NANI! Foxy needs mo'! <3 XPPP |
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Post by Hades on Aug 3, 2009 20:05:23 GMT -5
OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!! NANI, YOU FRICKIN' SLAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*DIES LAUGHING*
Oh boy, Hades' turn next. XDDD He's thrilled, trust me.
Hades: O___________________________________________O;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
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Post by Warren Peace on Aug 21, 2009 16:11:54 GMT -5
Oh, god Nani. I'm obliged to shake your hand for this and give you one of those tacky little paper-plate-awards, but it's so totally worth it...
You just made Warren laugh with that entry. Five times. Five little "hah's", one breath.
If this seems like nothing, you obviously don't know exactly what happened the last time I heard him laugh.
Since Will's not far off, I'll only say this: It involved seven pairs of boxers, a box of kleenex, shaving cream, grapefruit, and some rather unorthodox usage of my copic markers.
Ooh, crud, I think I hear him going mach-3 outside... If you tell him I said any of this, he's gonna hide in his room and write goth poetry. Please don't make him do it... He's too bubbly. It burns your eyes when read.
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Post by somechick on Sept 4, 2009 19:23:36 GMT -5
[THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE AWESOME REVIEWS! <3]
Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right
My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than chinatown
Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm going to the movies
I take up seven rows
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, (really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it...
Dear Diary Passage 7/ Book A
Last night gave me a lesson.
Revenge sure is sweet....
Anywho...it happened like this:
----
I squeezed a generous portion of Johnson’s Baby Shampoo, which I smothered all over my dark locks before feeling the foam swell into a laughable, irregular crown of white on my head. I hummed, enjoying the feel of my slender fingertips grazing at my lush hair. A few round bubbles landed on my nose, and I blinked before blowing them away, and allowing myself to sink deeper into the tub’s deliciously hot water.
Honestly, though I buy the stuff for my little sister, I really like using it. It smells, feels great too. But, anyway, back to the story. And as I indulged in the aroma of scented oils burning beside me, I sank into the Jacuzzi’s foamy, simmering water to wash off the shampoo that clung to my hair like a pleasant kiss. Really, this was the life.
I emerged to inhale the godly aroma that captivated me so, but this time the smell was thicker and coarse. I coughed somewhat violently, like, a serious downer for my one chance of peace. I opened my eyes and looked up from my bubbly bed and let out a horrible scream. What the fuck was the asshole doing here?!
“What on earth are you doing here?!” I screamed, adding more bubble bath liquid to the water to create more foam for a decent cover up. I put so much that I was up to my face in bubbles. I looked like a puffball of white. I gazed up at him red in the face.
“Woah! Ok, look, I didn’t really think you’d be bathing at this time. I mean, c’mon, at twelve ‘o clock in the freakin’ morning? What is up with that?” Hades explained, and I just spazzed in all the foam. What the hell did he know about baths? He smelled of dead people and farts! Ugh!
“This is so embarrassing…” I moaned quietly, sinking into the water.
“Alright, getting to the point; I’m just here to make your life miserable ‘cuz let’s face it, I’m bored. Now where should I start?” he began, not at all alarmed that I was nude and mortified. “Got it.”
And so it began, his mouth running like a motor:
You’re so fat Bill Gates couldn't afford to pay your liposuction.
You’re so fat your clothes have stretch marks.
You’re so fat you need a hula hoop to keep your socks up.
You’re so fat you need a watch on both arms because you cover two time zones.
I wanted to cry. I whimpered in the tub, groaning about my own misery and such until I had about fucking enough! “That is it!” I screamed, crawling out of the tub, the foam covering my ‘happy parts’ as I covered myself swiftly with a pink towel.
He continued, this time following me:
You’re so fat you set off car alarms when you run.
You’re so fat the horse on your polo shirt is real.
You’re so fat that when I tried to drive around you, I ran out of gas.
You’re so fat that when you leave the beach everyone shouts "The coast is clear!"
Just as he was enjoying his joke-fest, a shadow cast over him. Looking down at my small curvy frame, he noticed this on my laptop:
“Touche'." He hissed.
Poof.
He disappeared.
Blackmail can be fun…
SUCKER!
After the whole ordeal, I danced to this:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyfcOriVKBM
I whipped out a pie out of nowhere and stuffed it in my mouth happily, eating to my heart's content whilst singing:
"How come you're always such a fussy young man?
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it (prrr)
Don't wanna argue, I don't wanna debate
Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate ooh
You won't get no dessert 'till you clean off your plate
So eat it, don't you tell me you're full
Just eat it, eat it , eat it
Get yourself an egg and beat it
Have some more chicken, have some more pie
It doesn't matter , it's broiled or fried
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it!"
I looked down.
Damn...I dropped my towel....
[Love you Hades...] |
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Post by Macaria on Sept 4, 2009 19:44:34 GMT -5
*tries to breathe through laughter*
C-CAN'T......G-GONNA......D-DIE.....MUST...STOP.....L-LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nani, ILY. XDD
^ fave line. XDDDDDDD
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Post by Jim Hawkins on Sept 6, 2009 18:43:31 GMT -5
Will: *rocks out to Weird Al* "THERE'S SOMETHING WEIRD IN THE FRIDGE TODAY!!!! I DON' KNOW WHAT IT IIIIS!!!! FOOD I CAN'T RECOGNIIIIIZEEEE!!!!!!
MY ROOMATE WON'T THROW A THING AWAY!! I GUESS IT'S PROB'BLY HIS!!! IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S ALIII-EEEE-IIIIIVEE!!!!!
YAH! AND LIVIN' IN THE FRIDGE!!!!"
Warren: *eyetwitch* Shut... the... %@#$ UP!!!!!!
*BOOM* *goes nova*
Will: ...
M-my laptop...
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I almost DIED laughing reading this.... XDDD LOVED The Myrtle-part. And the Cucumber was HILARIOUS! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!
