Post by Bertie Moreland on Aug 27, 2010 5:17:42 GMT -5
Wait, sorry, no. Wrong beginning. *cough* Anyway…Why do I torture myself? That is a question I am sure movie reviewers throughout the ages have asked themselves. Why? Why do we do this to ourselves? Film should be an enjoyable medium for us. But is it? Not all the time. Hell, not even close to all the time. Take the Disney sequels. All but Rescuers Down Under are pieces of crap. And that is the kind description for them. The originals were good enough, for God's sake! Now, I will admit, some of these sequels are justified. *beat* No, actually. None of them are. The only possible--possible!--exception is this one.
Why would this possibly--possibly!--be justified? Read the book of Peter Pan and it sets up a sequel without even trying. It mentions that Wendy…
That's right, that innocent little angel. Well, in the books, Wendy had a daughter named Jane who went to Neverland every year after Wendy grew too old to go flying back to Neverland, and then Jane had a daughter named Margaret who took Jane's place. So within the book itself there is a sequel hook.
But did Disney need to go ahead and make this piece of crap sequel? No! It is entirely unjustified! We have no need to see this! We require decent film! You bastards, I'll kill you! I will kill you for what you have done to the entire Disney line of films!
*cough* I think the Critic said it best. *adjusts clothes and special Indiana Jones hat so that she looks somewhat decent* Forgive me for that little…rant. It was warranted. *clears throat* Okay.
So we're reviewing Return to Neverland today! Shoot me, please. We open with this touching sight.
How beautiful. I'm sure there isn't going to be anything that will happen to break apart this beautiful family.
So it appears that Jane--the little girl in the picture--has to say good bye to her father as he goes off to fight in WWII. *beat and sniffles* I'm sorry…but that is just a little too close to home. Tactful, Disney. And when was this film released? *goes to look it up on IMDB*
…Oh, that's just low! Only five months after 9/11? And they're showing this girl having to send her father off to war? Oh, come on, Disney! You corporate bastards.
So her father tells her that since she can't come with him, she has to man up--not his words--and take care of her mother and little brother, Danny. *gets out tissues* Damn it, why am I crying?! *pulls out blue star to show that she has a serviceman serving in Iraq and hangs it up* Well we skip ahead a ways--it looks like a couple years since Danny is now a boy of about four or five when we see him again and he was only a tiny baby at the beginning. This makes sense, since WWII lasted for more than four years for the people of Europe.
We are shown that most of the children of London have been sent away to the country. Again, true to history. But so damn depressing. I mean, seriously Disney. You don't have to make us want to slit our wrists in the first five minutes! *growls* Thankfully those responsible for making me watch this sorry excuse for a Disney film took away all the sharp objects in the house, otherwise I'd have done just that. Or gone out to kill the writers.
Unlike most of the other children, though, Jane and her brother Danny are still in London. *beat* Why Wendy thought it was a good idea for her to keep her ten or so daughter and five or so son in London in the middle of a world war is beyond me. The only reason I can come up with is they had no money for it.
…Or…Jane joined the army along with her Nana look-alike. *beat* Yeah…that doesn't make much sense, does it?
No, Jane simply dresses up like a soldier to help herself feel like a worthwhile grownup in this tumultuous time. So, along with Nana 2--I am not kidding, that is what Jane calls the dog--she is getting a picture book or something for her brother when an air raid signal goes off. Well, Jane's screwed.
Back at home, Wendy and Danny hurry into their bomb shelter, both wondering where Jane is. Again, one cannot help but question Wendy's intelligence at this point in the story. Why on earth would she let her little daughter travel alone in the dark when an air raid could happen at any time?! What were you thinking Wendy!? *hisses* Honestly. That is just so logically wrong on so many levels. Wait…no, Danny looks younger than Michael was in the first Peter Pan movie, so he can't be more than three…oh, hell. Forget it.
Meanwhile Jane and Nana 2 are hiding from the bombs falling and apparently Jane is acting all hardass drill sergeant towards her dog. *shakes head* So Jane and Nana 2 run home at breakneck speed--or what passes for that when you're running in the middle of an air raid. Back at the bomb shelter, Wendy is making her son feel better by making up stories about the bombs being canon balls and that what is happening isn't an air raid, but a pirate attack. Danny and Jane have apparently grown up with stories of Peter Pan, much like Wendy did when she was a child, but Danny is the only one who really believes them.
Now, I have to hand it to Wendy. Even in the middle of a freakin' air raid, she can hold onto that optimism that got her through her adventures in Neverland when she was only a little older than Jane, and she can keep her son from being too scared. Trust me, I know how important it is to have a strong mother in the middle of a tough time, and I have to admire Wendy's strength right now. But that isn't important.
Jane has gotten to the bomb shelter and Wendy is going all worried mother on her. Hugging her and kissing her. Of course, Jane being the "responsible older child" is acting all "Ew, that's so gross, stop it mom."
Once again, the Critic says it best.
Jane is a real party pooper, we discover, as she gets her brother socks for his birthday. And they're a size large "So he can grow into them." Then she goes right to a radio to listen in to whatever it is that the world is saying while her mother tells a story about Peter Pan to Danny. Naturally, Danny is enraptured. Jane even listens in at one point, but then she shakes her head and scoffs. "There's no such thing as magic," she tells herself.
Of course there isn't, you little wet blanket.
Well, Jane actually tells her tiny brother that she has no time for fun and games. Later that night, as they return from the bomb shelter, Jane complains about her mother encouraging Danny with her "silly stories." Naturally, Wendy disagrees and says that they are not silly stories. Giving Danny to Jane to put to bed, she goes to answer the door and finds out that her kids are scheduled to leave London on the morning train.
Well…that answers my earlier question about why they were still in London…sorta. It appears that Wendy was waiting until the last possible minute to tell her kids that they had to leave her and go out to the country so that she could have them with her as long as possible. *beat* Okay, I gotta admit, I am siding with Wendy on this one. I would probably do the same thing if I were in her situation.
So we see Jane upstairs getting ready for bed, and Wendy comes in, trying to ready herself to tell Jane that she and Danny will be leaving in the morning. As you can probably guess, this does not go so well. Jane doesn't take it well, and insists that she is staying behind because she promised her dad that she would take care of everyone, and she throws a fit. Said fit ends up with her shouting about how there isn't really faith, trust, or pixie dust in the world and that Wendy has been coddling them with these stories and that they don't mean anything. Danny appears and starts fighting with Jane, telling her that yes, all those things are real, along with Peter Pan and fairies.
Wow…Jane is a bit of a bitch in training. At least Wendy tells her off. I always knew I liked Wendy for a reason. Granted, her false British accent is getting annoying, but I can forget that for the sake of the character. Even Nana 2 is angry at Jane for her outburst, but Jane just continues to cry and pity herself because her daddy's gone away and she's being forced away.
Big deal, kid. Get over yourself.
Jane goes to sleep on her window seat after looking at the Second Star to the Right and listening in on her mother telling Danny more stories in the next room. Hours later, an ominous shadow crosses her window and suddenly…her window is opening. Who could it be? I have three options for you, but I think given what story this is, you already know.
Yes, it's Captain James Hook, come to kidnap the girl he thinks is Wendy to get back at Peter Pan. *beat* Okay, when did Hook get hold of his flying ship? You know what? This is a story with fairies. There is no logic. I won't try to find any. So Jane is kidnapped and brought on board the Jolly Roger after being gagged--thank you movie--and put into a sack. As the pirates rush off in their flying ship, they are shot at by anti-aircraft missiles and all sorts of other crap happens, making this one bumpy ride for Jane. Good. Kid deserves it. Little dream killer.
How far are we in now? *beat* Only seventeen minutes? I'll kill myself.
So they follow the Second Star to the Right and end up in Neverland. *long pause* DUH! Here they land the Jolly Roger--that still sounds weird--and they plan to use Jane, who they still think is Wendy, to lure Peter Pan to his doom. Which is apparently…death by…The Beast.
It finally happened. Hook made a pact with the Devil. I knew it was only a matter of time!
Well Smee sets out bait for the Beast--*scare chord*--and we watch as a huge…thing…OH MY GOD IT'S THE KRAKEN FROM PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN!
Okay, it isn't the Kraken, but it looks damn similar. See for yourself!
Isn't that similar? And this film came first…Moving on! So the Beast--*scare chord*--appears and the pirates hang Jane, still in her bag, out over the water as the bait for Peter. Just then, who should appear but Peter!
I wish. No, it's Peter Pan who appears. It seems he's stolen Hook's hat, again, and he starts causing chaos and hilarity, as is his wont. So as chaos reigns onboard the ship, he is told by Hook that the pirates have "Wendy", and of course Peter goes after her, since he thinks it's his childhood sweetheart come back to him after all this time. You know, one has to wonder, since Peter is perpetually young in Neverland, does time even move for him? I mean, it has to to some degree, as he came to Neverland as a toddler in the book and now he's a pre-teen, but other than that, time doesn't seem to affect him. That being the case, would he know that it's been over a decade since Wendy came to Neverland? *pause* Probably not. So that would justify his actually thinking Jane is Wendy…
My God, there was actual logic in this film!
Well, Jane's bag has been somehow tossed into the water and Peter goes in after it. Naturally, he goes in after her and saves her from The Beast--*scare chord*--and the Beast goes after Hook. Dude cannot get a break, can he? First a crocodile, then a huge Kraken-thing. No wonder he's unhinged. I would be, too. Honestly, though, what is it about him that tastes so darn good? Is it his after shave? The silk clothes? Or his hair? Whatever it is, it must be a delicacy among the sea monsters of Neverland.
So Peter flies off with Jane, still thinking that she's Wendy, and opens the bag to see who it is. What does he get, but a punch in the face, because Jane's a bitch. She explains that she most adamantly is not Wendy, but Wendy's daughter. As you can imagine, she believes that she's dreaming, because Pan and Tink cannot possibly be real. Thankfully she doesn't say "I don't believe in Fairies, because then Tinker Bell would be dead. *beat* And that's horrible.
Peter flies her around in an attempt to prove that Neverland is real and we get some really unnecessary scenery porn in an attempt to make the audience forget the sucky animation that this movie has. We even get to see more Tink jealousy. *sarcastic* Yaaay. There's even some near-death experiences for Jane. Good times. Finally she arrives in the tree that's the home of the Lost Boys. None of them have aged, of course, and Jane instantly begins trying to mother them because that's what she does as the reasonable adult. Though only to a degree, because she knows she's needed at home. Naturally there's some Lost Boys related chaos and Jane almost goes insane after only three minutes in their company. Though she does have the sense to say 'No' to them before she starts packing up to go home.
…Well, she does have a sense of duty, I'll give her that much, but that's all she's got going for her. So Jane starts building a raft and collecting supplies, while back at the pirate ship, the Beast--*scare chord*--is still stalking Hook. Smee is giving Hook a massage to work out the kinks in his back…
And as this…awkwardness is going on, Smee brings up how Pan stole Hook's treasure. Ladies and Gentlemen, I think we have our conflict. As if the already-existent rivalry of Pan and Hook wasn't conflict enough. Whatever. We get more hijinks with the Beast--*scare chord*--reminiscent of Tick Tock crocodile. God, I miss that reptile.
Back at the Lost Boy's hideout, Tink is getting more and more jealous and heartbroken by the minute as Pan tries to figure out why Wendy's daughter is acting like such a wet blanket bitchy grownup. I honestly don't have an answer for you, Peter, beyond her dad left her with issues. Sort of Freudian, I'll admit, but that's all I've got.
Peter tries to lighten up Jane, but fails miserably as she tries explaining why she has to go back home. Naturally, Peter is acting like the youthful spirit he is, and this Peter is barely this side of annoying. Barely. The fact that he's Peter freakin' Pan does help save him from the heap of hatred that I have for the rest of this film.
Jane's raft springs a leak, leaving her stranded in Neverland unless Peter flies her home. And surprisingly, this Peter is actually worried and moved by her plight. Rather than taunting her about how she can't fly like he did with Wendy and her brothers--what did happen to John and Michael, I wonder? Probably fighting in the war with Jane's dad--he actually offers, very kindly, to teach her. *beat* I think I just gained new respect for Peter Pan.
Cut to…some foggy area of Neverland that I don't know the name of, and we see Hook and his crew emerging out of the fog. It seems that they are looking for Peter Pan…
…And apparently that treasure as well. Anyway, the crew are complaining to themselves about how this is the five billionth time they've searched the island and we cut back to the Lost Boys and Jane. Peter is giving her flying lessons and the Lost Boys are watching the fun.
Where they got the popcorn is a mystery to me. Of course, since Jane doesn't believe in pixie dust and such, she isn't getting the hang of flying. The fact that she hasn't been sprinkled with said dust yet may also have something to do with it, but let's not quibble over details. Much hilarity ensues as Peter does some taunting--there you are, real Peter Pan--but Jane manages to quip right back. *beat* That doesn't make me respect you more, mini-bitch. Of course, Tink doesn't want to help until Peter mentions that if Jane can't fly, she's stuck in Neverland for good. You can bet that gets Tink to work.
The pirates hear the boys laughing as Peter tries to do the whole pushing the baby bird out of the nest to get her to fly. As you can guess, it fails, while Hook watches. He hatches a diabolical plan as he over hears that she wants to fly, but can't. What it is, we don't know yet. Peter points out that because Jane is such a wet blanket, it's no wonder she can't fly, and all the boys taunt her by tossing her important notebook around until Cubby, the kid in the bear suit, eats it. Don't ask. Jane gets pissy at the boys and yells at them all, earning a hair tug from Tink which ends in Jane shouting "I especially do not believe in fairies!" right in Tink's face. And Tink starts wilting away.
Oh, no! *sarcastic* This could be the end of the world as we know it!
Jane makes camp for herself outside of the boy's house and starts to get lonely, sitting around her pitiful fire by herself. Big deal, I got no sympathy for the girl. She falls asleep and it starts to rain on her. Haha! Mother Nature hates your guts too, kiddo! She finds shelter and watches a bird family, remembering the promise she made her father. No doubt trying to guilt trip the viewers into feeling sorry for her. It doesn't work. I don't care that she's crying.
Meanwhile Tink is sick from Jane's shouting that she doesn't believe in fairies and none of the boys are taking this well. Tink tells Peter that unless Jane learns to believe in fairies, Tink's light will go out forever. *beat*
Well Peter convinces the Lost Boys that despite the fact Jane's a girl, they have to make her one of them. The boys don't like this at first because, well…she's a girl. Can you blame them? They're still at the age where girls are nasty. Peter gets their solemn oath and promises Tink that they'll save her. Jane, in the mean time, is at one of the lagoons and hears Hook sobbing. Faked, of course. She picks up Hook's sword and he assures her that she can run him through. She asks what his problem is, and he says he wants to go home to his mama.
*deadpan* I see the family resemblance.
So Hook says that until he finds the treasure Pan stole from him, he can't go home to his mama. And, no, I am not showing that picture again. Of course, Bitch…I mean, Jane…starts sharing sob stories with Hook--I cannot believe I just wrote that--and Hook makes a deal with her. If she helps him get his treasure, he takes her home.
I see absolutely nothing going wrong with this plan.
Jane agrees to this, on the condition that Hook doesn't actually harm Peter--this starting to sound familiar?--and Hook hastily says that he never would. Right. And I'm a talking tree. *beat* At least he writes a contract this time. Those are at least binding. He gives Jane a whistle to blow when she finds the treasure and vanishes into the jungle.
Well that wasn't creepy at all.
So Tink is getting sicker and sicker. She can't even blow out pixie dust anymore and can barely stand. Naturally, she's scared by this. *beat* Okay, I'm starting to pity her. Peter is out looking for Jane with the Lost Boys to get her to believe in fairies, but they aren't having any luck. At least, they aren't until they hear her shouting for Peter. *blinks* And then they go through the both of them talking at the same time until Peter covers her mouth with his hands.
I think the shippers just started squealing loudly.
Jane suggests they play treasure hunt, and Peter tells her she can only play if she acts like a Lost Boy and we get this song.
…Shoot me now, please. I'd take Following the Leader over this, and I never liked that song. Well, Jane starts loosening up as the song goes--shocker--and finds the treasure. *beat* Wait, what? *blinks* Yeah, I was right. So she has an internal conflict about whistling for Hook and throws the whistle away to get lauded as a Lost Boy hero, since she found the treasure. Peter even "knights" her a Lost Boy. I…I mean, a Lost Girl. And she glomps him.
*winces at the shippers squealing*
More singing ensues and one of the boys finds the whistle in the water. And he blows it. Pirates swarm the Boys and Jane, and even capture Peter Freakin' Pan. Nice job breaking it, Jane. She pleads with Hook to not hurt Peter, but he does the whole "couldn't have done it without you" and the boys feel betrayed. Dude, you broke Peter Pan's heart. You little bitch. You broke Peter's heart! I don't care that you now want to help Tinker Bell, you're still a bitch.
So Jane is left with her guilt as the Boys and Peter are dragged off. Is it a crime that I feel so…good about her pain? *pause* Oh, what do I care? Jane tries to follow them but has no luck, so she goes to find Tinker Bell instead, who is getting weaker and weaker and in more and more pain. *beat* Now I'm feeling sorry for the jealous clingy fairy! Dang, this is weird. I never liked Tink because of how jealous she always got.
Jane gets to the tree, but Tink's light has already gone out. Jane feels sorry for herself and starts crying. Oh, knock it off, you brought this on yourself. She apologizes to thin air and bursts into more tears. I'm getting tired of her crying, I really am. But, through the magic of the plot, Jane's crying over Tinker Bell is enough to bring the fairy back to life.
*beat* What.
No, that just makes no sense. And now Tink likes Jane? No! Stop that, movie! You had me liking Tink for a bit there! Grr…So Jane remembers the trouble Peter and the boys are in and we cut to the ship. Pleease tell me this film will be over soon.
Peter is tied to an anchor--don't ask--and the pirates are shouting suggestions for his punishment, including keel-hauling and beating him like a piñata. *beat* How uplifting. Thank you, Disney, I really needed to hear that. Hook has his little, "I hate Pan so much" moment before going over to taunt Peter a little, threatening him and the boys with walking the plank. Peter being Peter, he keeps a brave face and…Jane appears?
Noooooooooooooooo!
Peter looks way too happy that she's back. Don't encourage the shippers, Disney. The Pirates laugh at the absurdity of a little girl and a fairy being a threat to them, but then Jane starts cutting the boys loose while Tink steals a key from Hook. I forget what that's for. Hijinks ensue as Jane and the boys try to avoid being captured again and they end up cornered until the little skunk boy starts shooting jewels at the pirates with a slingshot. So the kids start shooting jewels overboard, causing the crew to jump after them while Tink somehow manages to sling Smee overboard and Hook starts chasing Jane around until their up on the mast and he looks ready to kill her. But Jane, suddenly believing in pixie dust, jumps off and starts to fly mere inches from the water.
Stop looking so happy she's there, Peter!
Jane has a few solo flying moments before freeing Peter and having a moment with him. Then Hook gets her and pins her to the mast, but Peter manages to stop Hook and throws Hook, holding the anchor, overboard where the Beast--*scare chord*--is waiting. The Boys, Peter and Jane all abandon ship and more Hook hilarity ensues as his ship is sunk by the Beast--*scare chord*--with the obligatory quip from Pan.
It seems Hook has drowned, but this is Disney and that crap just don't fly, so he and the crew start running--rowing, really--for their lives as they are chased by the Beast--*scare chord*.
Meanwhile Jane and the Boys all celebrate. *sarcastic* Yaaaay. What a touching moment, now end this freakin' movie already! Peter is upset that Jane can go home now and all the boys start crying, even Peter. Peter! I had respect for you, boy! But Jane assures them she'll always remember them and believe in Peter Pan. Said Pan even calling her mademoiselle and bowing to her. ENOUGH WITH THE SHIPPING!
Tink zaps them with more Pixie dust and they fly off to London, though not without a few Peter/Jane moments on the way. *grits teeth* Finally, they arrive back in London and Jane finds herself asleep on her window seat again. She goes to find her mother and brother and apologizes to them, telling Wendy that she now believes in Peter Pan. Danny complains about a bad dream and Jane makes him feel better.
I'm getting diabetes watching this.
Wendy watches with a smile but hears Tink and goes into Jane's room to investigate. Peter watches her looking for him and is shocked that Wendy got so old, keeping himself hidden. Wendy hears him shushing Tink and they have a reunion moment. Peter is upset she's grown up and she assures him she's the same Wendy. Tink is also upset by the change, but Wendy still gets one last flight before Peter bows to her and flies off. Danny and Jane watch him fly off and Jane murmurs that she'll always believe in Peter. And…their dad comes back?
What. That makes no SENSE! Stupid movie.
Peter flies off, the end! God, that was horrific. This film is stupid, it practically rapes the original film. You hate Jane and all that she represents and the beginning is depressing as hell! There is nothing redeeming about this movie except Peter, and he starts to get crappy during the ending! If Disney attempts a movie with Jane's daughter Margaret, I'll kill myself.
I'm Miss Roberta, signing out.
