Post by Maxim Horvath on Aug 27, 2010 0:11:27 GMT -5
Not a Disney film, but craptacular enough to be ripped apart. And I had it on hand, which I can't for Mulan II (which I shall find and review next, I promise.)
Spiderman 3
Yay comic movies! Who doesn’t love to see their favorite costumed hero on the big screen, battling their most notorious foes in epic combat gloriously rendered with all the love and care that generations of fans desire and deserve? I know I do. And my favorite superhero is…
Yep, the webhead himself. Spiderman.
There’s just something about him. He’s an adorable uber-geek and universal chew toy who goes out in a tight Spandex costume and kicks bad guy ass, all the while snarking enough to put the Nostalgia Critic himself to shame.
Yes, that would be you, Doug.
So, a movie about Spidey’s gotta be good, right? There’s decades of comics to work from, and Sam Raimi is directing! Woot! So let’s jump in and review Spiderman!
*pauses as a note is slipped to her*
*clears throat*
My apologies, it appears we will not be reviewing the Spiderman film today. Instead, we’ll be reviewing…
WOOT! Even better! Spiderman 2 is widely regarded as by far the best in the trilogy, with an absolutely fantastic Doctor Octopus portrayed by the always-epic Alfred Molina. If you want tall, dark, and snarky with a side of sinister and deliciously evil, Molina is your man. I haven’t seen him in any role that wasn’t fantastic.
Er… except that. But it wasn’t an awful film and Molina only had about five minutes of screen time, so we’ll just ignore that.
So, onto the film! Spiderman 2 starts out with-
*pauses again as another note is slipped to her*
Wait, what? No, you’re not serious.
…
*headdesk*
Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. A small, blue, six-armed prankster got into my notes and messed things up. Apparently, today we are not reviewing Spiderman 1 OR 2. Instead, we are reviewing…
Oh, hell. Must I?
…
Crap.
*gets out of review chair and exits the study*
*distant sounds of a scuffle*
*comes back in dragging Otto Octavius and Dr. Curt Connors*
Well, I do have some good news! Otto and Curt here have kindly volunteered to help me review this crapfest of a film!
Curt: I am sorry to admit I actually appear in this thing.
Otto: At least you didn’t die in the last one.
Yes, that was the worst part about the second film. Anyway. Now that I have some backup- you did bring the Oreos, right Otto? Good. Well folks, it’s time you made peace with your dear and fluffy Lord, because we’re about to review Spiderman 3!
Whoops. Wrong opening.
That’s better.
Now, Spiderman 3 opens similarly to 1 and 2, with animated webby bits flying all over the place. Except these are, of course, black webby bits because this movie is about black-suit Spidey/Venom. And like its predecessors, there are some rather lovely fractured paintings of the main characters and important scenes from the prequels.
Otto: No they’re not. Look, that’s an actual clip of that stupid spider! Who decided to paint the thing red and blue anyway? And did we really need to see Parker preening shirtless in front of the mirror? I know I didn’t.
Okay, fine. Unlike SM2, there are clips of important scenes from the prequels instead of the drop-dead gorgeous paintings we saw last time. And now mixed in with the webs is animated black goo. Foreshadowing, anyone?
Curt: It’s always sad when the opening credits tell you who the villain is.
Speaking as an artist, I must say that this is some very nice animation, especially with the black goo and the cobwebby bits of the web. And they have all of the original cast back- those who lived, anyway.
Otto: *glowers*
Good gods, will these credits never end? We get a complete summary of films 1 and 2 while we’re waiting for the movie to actually start- oh hey, there you are, Otto! Yay stock footage.
Otto: This is ridiculous. I have work to do- *goes to get up and gets tugged back into his seat*
Right. Summary, summary, blah blah blah, what they think we haven’t seen the first two movies? And now there is sand mixed in with the black goo. Hmm… wonder who the OTHER villain is?
Curt: I find it rather amusing that the summary of the second film is barely half the length of the first.
Well, we really didn’t need any more shots of MJ in that truly awful brown dress. Really. Who thought that looked good on her?
Oh, look, movie. I almost missed it in all the credits.
Now gentlemen, I would like to introduce a new game. It’s called ‘The Poor Communication Kills drinking game’. You brought the Scotch, right Otto?
Otto: *holds up a bottle with a tentacle*
Good man. Now, every time you see a situation made possible or aggravated by a character not telling another character something that should be fairly obvious, take a shot. *hands out shot glasses* I wish you boys luck.
So the film opens up with the usual Peter Parker narration, only this time he’s patting himself on the back about how AWESOME his life is, as opposed to generally moping about not being able to be with Mary Jane, or about being a loser, or not having a proper job. He’s swinging around New York during all of this in a suspiciously polished act, until the camera pulls away and you can see that it’s just a film up on one of those big public outdoor screens you see in every media piece about the Big Apple. Which leads to our first logical conundrum.
A film. Of Spidey.
The superhero who is notorious for being camera-shy when it’s not Peter Parker taking the pictures.
Curt: How… exactly did they film Spiderman then? How did they get camera crews up there and following him around?
Good question, Doc.
So Peter keeps narrating, all the while patting himself on the back. For the genre-savvy among us, what character flaw do you think Pete’s falling prey to here?
For those of you who said ‘pride’, good for you.
Otto: Pride goeth before a fall.
Curt: And you would know all about that. Doctor Octopus.
Otto and tentacles: *glare*
We could spend hours debating the motifs about pride and moral use of power for hours, but that’s really not the point of this film. Moving on.
After getting beat over the head with how NYC now looooooooves Spiderman (and why, exactly? JJJ has spent the last two films trying to convince everyone he’s a menace, and most of the city seemed to agree with him. No one but Spidey and MJ were at the pier with Ock, so what, exactly, did Spidey do to win the affection of the city? Explain, movie, EXPLAIN!) we see Peter doing fantastic in his classes and looking at a ring in a pawn shop. Hm. Wonder if that’s gonna be important later.
Otto: Obviously.
Oh, and the blonde who beat Peter on answering Doctor Connor’s question? Gwen Stacy. In the comics, she was his love interest before Mary Jane. She had the rather unfortunate ending of being tossed off a bridge by the Green Goblin and caught by Spiderman. In a very cruel application of physics that was unique for comic books at the time, the sudden deceleration caused by getting caught in the web had the effect of breaking her neck.
Curt: And here would be our next logical flaw. Spiderman’s been catching people in his webs exactly like that all through the earlier films. Why did none of them get their necks broken?
Otto: Wasn’t dramatic enough. Curt, why are you a physics teacher here? You’re a biologist.
Curt: I know. Which makes you wonder how I’m supposed to wind up as the Lizard.
Not only are things going great for Peter/Spiderman, but they seem to be looking up for his girlfriend (finally) Mary Jane Watson. The aspiring actress has landed herself a lead role in a Broadway musical, and we see that for once, Peter, adorakable as ever, has made it to her performance. She’s actually not bad, but… oh, who’s that up in the balcony?
You know, I’m having a hard time believing that Kirsten Dunst is actually singing there. I could be wrong.
Otto: And who, exactly, is that up in the balcony?
Oh, right. It’s Harry Osborn! When we last saw Harry, he’d gotten smacked with the Poor Communication Kills stick real hard (take a shot, gentlemen) and had just discovered that his father was…
*cue dramatic music*
THE GREEN GOBLIN!
Not bothering to ask Peter his side of the story, or investigate why his father was the Goblin, Harry’s portion of the film closes with him looking a bit too interested in ol’ Gobbie’s toys- the glider, the bombs, and the mask. Now he’s sitting in the balcony looking down at Peter with a rather weird smirk. I think it’s a smirk, anyway.
Play finishes, Peter runs into Harry outside the theater. Oh, now he wants to talk. Gee, don’t you think you could have arranged to do that when you were standing in his living room wearing your costume and he was staring at you with the ultimate expression of “OMGWTF” on his face? Really, saying, ‘Gee Harry, I know you’re probably confused. Let me go save MJ and NYC from Doc Ock and then I’ll come back and we can talk about everything so you don’t go off the deep end and take after your dad by turning yourself into a new Green Goblin and trying to kill me! Wouldn’t that be great?’
Take another shot, boys.
Harry basically tells Peter to shove off (wow, another shot already) and Peter goes to see MJ backstage, where she is all giddy with the aftereffects of being onstage in a premiere role and with the flowers Peter and Harry sent her. Harry, being the owner of Oscorp, has arranged to send a really big bunch of flowers.
Did I mention that Harry and MJ used to date in the first movie? Gee, wonder if he still has feelings for her?
Otto: Or he could just be trying to get under Parker’s skin.
Anyway, we see Peter assuring MJ that she was fantastic for about a minute before the film cuts to what had been the Green Goblin’s little hidey hole for all his tech- including the gas chamber that turned Norman into the Goblin. There’s a nifty little pan past the different equipment, showing how Harry’s modified his father’s gear. Instead of the bat-shaped glider, for instance, there’s a thing that looks kinda like a snowboard.
This sounds really cool until you read the novelization and realize that the flying snowboard is, in fact, officially called a ‘Sky Stick’.
…
Wut.
Otto and Curt: …
Anyway, continuing the pan into the lab, we see Harry step out of the gas chamber, all Goblinified and shirtless. I will give James Franco credit, I’d rather see him without a shirt than Tobey Maguire.
Otto and Curt: …
Curt: I don’t think we needed to hear that.
*clears throat* Sorry.
So, yay Gobbie Junior. There’s our secondary plot. Now we get a cut to a park at night- which I can’t believe is in New York, there are far too many stars visible. And I mean, a ton of stars.
Seriously, have you ever seen that many stars in a city the size of New York? You don’t even see that many stars in Bremerton, Washington, and it’s a little city!
Otto: I think you should be talking about the other stars in this film.
Right. Stars. The pair currently hanging out in a Spidey web in the park like it’s a hammock, watching shooting stars go by. This movie must be taking place during the Pleiades meteor shower or something, because you see three whiz by in the space of about a second. We get a tender little moment between Peter and MJ, with MJ saying how she wants to sing onstage for the rest of her life with Peter cheering her on from the front row and Peter promising he’ll be there. Rather amusing when you consider that last movie, he couldn’t get to a performance to save his life until he gave up being Spiderman. Then we get the obligatory ‘I love you’ scene, which is just this side of saccharine. Emoting is not Tobey’s strong suit. Neither is quipping, but more on that later.
During the middle of their make-out scene, the camera pans behind them and we see a suspiciously close shooting star whiz by.
I’ve heard of seeing fireworks when you kiss someone, but methinks that’s a bit too literal.
As Peter and MJ continue to snog each other senseless in their webby hammock, we see that the meteor touched down about ten yards from Parker’s scooter. Houston, the A-plot has landed.
After oozing out of a hole in the meteor, the black goo hereafter known as ‘Symbie’ crawls across the ground and attaches itself to Peter’s scooter.
Curt: Why?
Uh, ‘cause the plot says so.
Symbie there gets some rather cool animation. If there’s one good thing about this film other than Curt, it’s the animation. Liquids are a bitch to animate in the first place, and shiny stuff tends to be even more so. Kudos for making a black goo look really, really intimidating.
Peter and MJ leave, not knowing they have an extraterrestrial stowaway, and we are introduced to our third plot- a guy dressed in a convict’s outfit running down the street with a cop in a car trying to decide if he’s trouble or not. Cop apparently decides not, and the convict breaks into an apartment. Not before we get a good look at his face:
Damn, he looks familiar. I know I’ve seen him before. No idea where though.
So, convict breaks into a little girl’s bedroom (creepy) and stands there looking at her for a minute (creepy) and just keeps staring (getting really creepy now) and reaches inside his jumpsuit and pulls out (holy crap creepy!!)- a bunch of letters?
This is, actually, a surprisingly useful little bit. In this shot we learn who this guy is (Flint Marko), who the girl is (Penny Marko), that they’re related, and that someone has been refusing the delivery of these letters. We also learn that Flint’s dedicated enough to his daughter to go straight to her the moment he busts himself out of prison. Well done movie- and that’s probably the only time I’m going to say that for this film.
Otto: You’ve been remarkably generous about it so far.
Because we’re only twelve minutes in, that’s why.
Marko tucks the letters under Penny’s pillow, in a shot that shows us she’s sick. I have no idea why a little girl would need an oxygen tube while she sleeps, but she’s wearing one. That can’t be comfortable. Marko then goes and gets some of his old clothes- including the striped shirt he always wore in the comics- and goes to steal some food when his wife comes in. She proceeds to give us some exposition that the last several scenes did a nice job of giving us already- he’s an escaped convict, cops are looking for him, blah blah blah. Not only is Marko a thief, it turns out he may have killed someone.
I wonder if that will be important later.
Marko protests that he had good reason for doing what he did, his wife accuses him of betraying her and Penny, Penny comes out and there’s a touching little scene between father and daughter about how they miss each other, and Penny gives him a locket.
Meanwhile, you get some good audio of Marko’s voice. And… Holy crap, I know where I’ve seen him before! That’s Thomas Haden Church! Last time I saw him, he was playing Lyle Vandegrut in George of the Jungle!
Yikes. Dude, you did not age well at all. I am so sorry. Voice is still pretty damn awesome though- he was in Over the Hedge as Dwayne the Exterminator and played that role as cheesy as possible and then some, making it awesome in the process.
Curt: Back to this film, please.
Marko promises to get the money for Penny’s medical treatment and then leaves, protesting to his wife that he’s not a bad person. He just had bad luck. Right. Okay. I’ll buy it for the moment, because I’m a bit of a sucker for daddy-daughter scenes. I’ll admit it.
Otto: *coughs*
We then return to Peter showing up at the retirement home where Aunt May is now living, and he proclaims to her that he’s going to ask MJ to marry him. Much happy-happy-joy-joy, excitement, and Aunt May reminiscing how Ben proposed to her, with emphasis on them waiting until they were both ready. She advises Peter to ensure that he can put MJ before himself. Peter says he thinks he can (wonder if this will be important later?), there’s discussion of how to propose, and May gives Peter her own engagement ring for him to give to MJ. Rosemary Harris continues to play a fantastic Aunt May, though sadly she never gets quite as awesome a moment as she did last film when she hit Otto over the head with her umbrella.
Otto: That hurt.
Curt: I think that was the point.
Tobey’s acting, on the other hand, continues to remain slightly wooden. Sam Raimi praises him in various DVD commentaries for his ‘subtle’ acting, but there’s ‘subtle’ and then there’s ‘mannequin’. Tobey tends to lean towards the latter, playing things too subtly and winding up looking stoned or stunned when he’s supposed to be happy or heartbroken. One reason why I don’t care for him as Spiderman/Peter Parker.
Peter drives home, for once actually managing to portray the fact that he’s happy with this sort of doofy little grin, when all of a sudden some masked lunatic on a flying snowboard snatches him up into an airborne fight. This is pretty cool, watching them trying to pummel each other and not fall off the *shudder* Sky Stick.
Okay, that’s a stupid name. We’re not calling it that any longer. It’s a flying snowboard. We’re calling it a flying snowboard.
The movie people are getting better at 3-D battles. We actually get to see Peter swing around a tower of some kind firing web balls at his attacker, and there’s lots of spinning and camera motion that must have been a pain to work out. It also makes use of movie!Peter’s organic web shooters- I really can’t see him wearing the mechanical ones all day every day under his clothes, particularly not on a date night with MJ.
…
Actually…
No. Not touching that.
Curt: Thank you.
Anyway. Green Goblin II has a trick his father didn’t- blades along his forearm that prove mighty handy for cutting through spiderwebs. He makes a lot better use of them then Jango Fett ever did.
In the middle of this there’s a reveal showing how it really is Harry under that mask. I have to say, Harry makes for a far less goofy-looking Goblin than his dad did- but he completely disregards the whole Goblin shtick in favor of…
Er… stealth operative/flying ninja? Intimidating, but doesn’t exactly scream ‘Green Goblin’. Not even ‘Green’ anything. It looks cool, but dude, you’re missing the point.
Peter seems oddly stunned to see that Harry’s finally taken after his father and tries to talk Harry down, claiming that he didn’t kill Norman, Norman killed himself.
Yeah. Nice way to put it. And a brilliant time to FINALLY TELL HARRY.
Take a shot, boys.
There’s more midair fighting, Peter getting knocked into walls, Peter losing his aunt’s ring, Peter scrambling for the ring in one of those truly irritating slo-mo shots, the fight finally moving through an alley where Peter strings up a trip line and knocks Harry off his flying snowboard. In between all of this you have to admire how quickly Harry got the hang of all this airborne martial arts. Right up until he takes a spill and knocks himself out. Wish we’d gotten some indication of his competence earlier in the series, because it feels ridiculously forced.
Otto: *watches Harry get knocked off his board four stories up and hit about a dozen things on the way down* And how, exactly, did he survive that?
Curt: Superpowers?
And now Peter realizes that oh, he may have just killed his best friend. Clever, Parker, very clever. I can see why they call you a genius. Harry has stopped breathing, so we get a CPR scene. And the slash fans rejoice, thinking that they’ll get to see a ‘kiss of life’ but thank all that it sacred we don’t get one.
Harry is taken to the hospital, Peter stands there looking worried, and then we get a cut to the police station where a cop brings Captain George Stacy (yes, he’s Gwen’s father, in case you were wondering) a file on Flint Marko. Turns out, Marko was linked to the Ben Parker homicide! *dun dun DUUUUN*
Otto: Must you do that?
Yes. I must.
We see Marko being pursued across a field towards an experimental particle physics test facility. He hops the fence to avoid the cops and tumbles into a very large pit, where a test is about to take place. As can be expected, a test is about to take place.
Otto: In the middle of the night?
Apparently. One of the scientists comments that there’s a slight change in the mass of one in one of the experiments, while another shrugs it off, saying it was probably a bird and would fly away.
Curt and Otto: …
This, my friends, is your average bird:
We’re talking maybe a pound or two at most.
This is Thomas Haden Church. Probably about 210-230 pounds- he’s pretty solid.
You’re telling me that the instruments can’t tell the difference between a BIRD and a HUMAN??? Seriously, the guy looks like he could have played American football in high school. In fact, he actually had to put on ten pounds of muscle to play Flint Marko!!
Instrumental communications fail. Gentlemen-
Otto and Curt: *raise their glasses* Take a shot.
That’s right.
So we get a long, drawn-out scene of the birth of Sandman, More fantastic animation- particles like sand are also a bitch to animate- but really, this couldn’t have gone on any longer if they’d tried. We do get a bit of a break by cutting back to the hospital, where it turns out that Harry is alive and will recover, except for one thing.
He has retrograde amnesia.
Otto and Curt: …
Otto: They didn’t.
Curt: *sighs* They did.
So he doesn’t remember his father dying, being the Green Goblin Jr, Peter being Spiderman… nothing. Complete memory reset. Anyone want to take bets on how long that will last?
Peter is certainly relieved that Harry won’t be trying to kill him anymore. And Harry seems quite content. When the nurse mentions what great friends he has, he replies:
Harry: My best friends. I’d give my life for them.
I wonder if this is going to be important later?
As we slog through a long shot of Flint Marko literally pulling himself together, I can only admire the animation here. It’s beautifully done, and the music makes his transformation and loss of physical humanity seem truly tragic. That said… *yawn* It goes on for way too long. Three entire minutes, in fact, which is a lot of time to spend on a single scene with no dialogue. Artistic and pretty, but it really slows the pace of the movie down.
FINALLY, we cut to Peter arranging a dinner date with MJ at the Restaurant Constellation so he can propose to her. There’s a moment of farce where MJ shows up at his door and he scrambles to hide the ring, before MJ shows him the review published in the paper about her play. In an uncanny prediction of how this movie will score in its own reviews, the review is a bad one.
Peter tries to reassure her by comparing her plight to how everyone hated Spiderman at first, invites her to dinner, dear God is this over yet? What? What do you mean we’re only thirty minutes in??
Otto: Well, if you’re going to kill yourself over this you don’t need me here-
Sit down, Octavius.
Otto: *sigh*
Peter begins to show the jerkwad streak he’s picked up specifically for this film by completely not listening to MJ, brushing off her unhappiness over the bad review, and then swinging off as Spiderman when he hears an alert on the police scanner, all the while acting like this is the most appropriate way to act.
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
So we have more failure to communicate setting the stage for problems later on. Take a shot, boys. Now, between Peter being an idiot and the whole Green Goblin/Sandman/proposing to MJ business, one might have thought the filmmakers had forgotten all about Symbie and our A-plot. But never fear! The ooze is alive and well and in Peter’s bedroom. And I really don’t want to think about that too hard so let’s just cut to our next scene: A large construction crane has had a mechanical failure (why exactly is something like this sitting on top of a building? How did they get it up there?) and is careening out of control, while in the next building we get this:
A photoshoot starring Gwen Stacy.
Otto: Er… since when was Stacy a model?
Curt: A really good question.
And look at how politically correct that group of models is.
So we’ve got Gwen at a photoshoot and the photographer complaining because there’s suddenly something large and obnoxious in his background.
Right, that would be the beams that the crane had been lifting. Oh look, they’re coming right towards you. Girls, maybe you should, I don’t know, evacuate the room???
But of course they don’t, and they have to duck and cover as the beam smashes through the corner of the building, taking a large number of support apparati with it. And for more fun, as everyone stands and gawks and gapes, it comes back to knock out the floor beneath theirs.
Fly you fools!
FINALLY they start running, but as is required for these sorts of scenes, it’s too little, too late. Everyone but Gwen gets out safely. Poor Gwen slides to the edge and hangs there to scream for a while. As she gets to enjoy the wonders of being in mortal peril, we get a shot of this guy:
Down on the ground with Captain George Stacey. This guy helpfully informs us in between snapping pictures that his name is Eddie Brock (excuse me, Edward Brock Junior), he’s a photographer, and that oh by the way, he’s dating Gwen.
Gwen’s peril increases as the beam she’s clinging to swings out over the street- but look! Here comes Spiderman to save the day, with all the drama required for a rescue!
Curt: As usual. So that’s why he’s always skipping my class.
Spidey saves Gwen, Brock tries to force his way in as Spidey’s ‘new official photographer’, cheerfully bashing Peter’s photo skills in the process. I smell competition.
Otto: Or it may just be the stink of this film.
His pride in his photos stung, Spidey swings off, and we get a shot of Gwen looking all gooey-eyed over her rescuer before (finally) cutting to the Daily Bugle. JJJ is in fine form as always, his office plastered in old front pages of Spidey with headlines about how much of a menace he is. Oh look Otto, there’s the one of you.
Otto: *makes a face*
The pill bottles on the desk show us that JJJ has been warned about his blood pressure, which gives us a rather obnoxious running gag with Betty Brant buzzing in every time JJJ is about to blow his lid or how it’s time to take one pill or another, stressing him out even more in the process.
Brock saunters in, flirts obnoxiously with Betty, and goes to deliver his Spidey photos to JJJ. If that’s even possible, he gets even more obnoxious as he sets about schmoozing his way into JJJ’s good graces. Think greasy, fast-talking used car salesman, except Hades did it SO much better in Hercules. Peter shows up and the smell of testosterone begins to get overwhelming, with both competing for the staff job that’s opened up. JJJ sets it up as a competition, promising the staff job to whoever brings him a picture of Spiderman doing something illegal. At least it’s nice to see that not everyone thinks Spidey is as great as he thinks he is right now…
Back in Spidey Central- I mean, Times Square (I think it’s Times Square anyway) we see an announcement proclaiming Spiderman is going to be given the key to the city for saving Gwen Stacy. At the same time, we get the obligatory Stan Lee cameo.
Stan Lee, I love ya to pieces, but WHY DID YOU OKAY THIS FILM?
*sobs*
At long last we return to our Harry/GGJr subplot and see Harry and Peter returning to the Osborn penthouse. Things seem to have been patched up nicely between our boys, which is a nice change from the downward spiral their relationship has been in for the past film and a half. We get some reminiscing about how in high school they had wanted to try out for the varsity basketball team (for the cheerleaders, as Harry puts it) and there’s some general fluffy friendly guy stuff that you just know won’t last as they run through the penthouse playing with the basketball Peter brought. The happy tone fades a bit as Harry tries to remember his father. Trying to distract him, Peter tosses the ball at Harry and nearly knocks over an expensive-looking vase, but Harry spectacularly manages to catch them both:
And there’s our ominous foreshadowing about the return of Gobbie Jr, with a hint of the Goblin theme playing in the background.
Otto: It’s not as good as my theme.
Of course it isn’t, Otto.
The next stage in this ‘happy life going down the toilet’ is a scene of MJ going to rehearsal only to find that she’s been replaced by her understudy. The guys in charge try to let her down easy, but even they know how bad they failed at it.
Then we get to the big Spidey-fest where our hero is to be granted the key to the city. Peter hams it up, and Brock shows up and snaps pictures of Gwen in a scene oddly reminiscent of a concurrent one between Peter and MJ, except Brock is more annoying and apparently tried to make a romance out of a single coffee break with Gwen. Peter brushes off MJ’s concerns about her career and goes off to make a grand entrance as Spiderman.
At long, long last we go back to Flint Marko. Seriously, there is WAY too much stuff going on in this film.
Curt: How many plots are we up to now?
Otto: Parker and Watson, the symbiote, Parker and Osborn, Parker and Brock, and Marko. Five so far.
Curt: And aren’t we supposed to get a shot for Parker brushing off Miss Watson again?
Otto: Yes. *gulps his* Is it over yet?
No. Nowhere near.
Otto: *groans*
Anyway, we finally go back to Marko, who is spotted by some cops but uses his new sand powers to hide from them in a scene with too much handheld camera work for my stomach. Marko smacks the cops around for a bit, is generally big, sandy, and scary, then blows away to rob an armored van in time for us to see Gwen’s speech welcoming Spiderman.
It’s not a horrible speech, all things considered. MJ doesn’t seem to be too happy about the whole thing, however, and only cheers up when Harry comes around with cotton candy in tow. Young Osborn seems spectacularly chipper, more so than we have ever seen him in this trilogy. If only he could stay like this. *sigh* He’s also a heck of a lot more sensitive than Peter’s been since… well… kinda ever.
Otto: Oh look. Another subplot.
Harry even reveals that he once wrote a play for MJ in high school, further laying the groundwork for a potential Harry/MJ pairing. At the rate Peter’s going, I’d say go for it.
Speaking of Peter, he’s up on a ledge patting himself on the back while waiting for his entrance cue.
Not only does he have Gwen giving him a speech, he’s got a band playing his theme song and- holy crap, he’s got a freakin’ drill team performing up there.
Anyway, he swings in, showing off the entire time- well, at least someone’s enjoying themselves- and all seems to be going fine until he caves to the demands of the crowd and lets Gwen do this:
…
There are no words.
Otto: Apart from ‘Parker, you idiot’?
Curt: *gapes in shock*
Personally I like ‘moron’.
And of course, dramatic moment is dramatic, which means MJ sees the whole thing.
Peter Parker, you idiot.
This kid:
Has just become my favorite person in the whole film.
Fortunately, Peter doesn’t get any more of a chance to make an ass of himself (not that he wasn’t doing splendidly) because the fun is interrupted by a completely random sandstorm!
I mean, Sandman.
Spidey, of course, goes after him. Marko’s decided to rob a bank van, and Peter is apparently too wrapped up in his own legend to notice the unusual amount of sand in the van as he attempts to (badly) banter with Marko.
This is about the point Spidey notices that not all is right with this particular criminal. Peter, MENSA called. They want your membership card back.
Blah blah blah, fight fight fight, obligatory skiing behind moving vehicle stunt- though Spidey’s not as lucky as most people who pull it, as he smashes through about every car in the road. Drivers saved, Spidey swings off to a ledge somewhere to dump sand out of his boot.
I really don’t want to wonder where else he has sand right now. Flint Marko’s probably one of the least comfortable villains to fight. In one of the few good Spidey-quips in this trilogy, Peter wonders aloud just where all these nutcases come from.
That’s a really good question, Peter.
At long, long last, we get to the restaurant where Peter plans to propose.
Otto: Somehow I don’t think this is going to go well.
Curt: He kissed Stacy in front of the entire city and now he wants to propose to Watson. Of course this isn’t going to go well.
In a slightly startling change of pace, the random extra who interacts with Peter in this scene is French maitre’d who is surprisingly helpful. After a moment of Peter being thrown by an apparent language barrier, the maitre’d takes a liking to Peter and helps him arrange a perfect proposal situation- champagne, music, whole nine yards. There’s the required reference to the French and romance, of course before Peter is taken to his table and spends the next minute or so practicing his responses to how he thinks MJ will react to finding a ring in her champagne.
Is anyone besides me wondering how he’s affording all this? No? Okay. Moving on.
Curt: Watson just lampshaded the price for you.
Oh, okay. Anyway. She shows up, quips if this restaurant is within Peter’s budget, and the two settle in for what we can only hope is a nice dinner date. Sadly, MJ’s in no mood to be cheered as Peter tells her that it’s a special occasion to celebrate her role in the Broadway production.
Otto: You mean the one she got dropped from?
Exactly. And instead of telling Peter this (take a shot) she tiptoes around it and Peter completely misses the point, thinking she’s anxious over new-found fame. He then proceeds to compare it to how he feels with the whole new ‘NYC loves Spidey’ thing and just proceeds to dig himself in deeper to this pit of arrogant jerkassery he’s made for himself. MJ’s expression nicely sums up how the audience is feeling right now:
As if things couldn’t get any worse, guess who shows up?
Curt: Gwen Stacy.
Otto: Typical.
Yep. Gwen shows up and pretty much crashes the mood of the date because Peter’s all happy to see her and is too wrapped up in himself to realize that MJ might not appreciate having Blondie show up in the middle of her dinner with Peter right after she kissed Spiderman for the world to see. Naturally, the subject of said kiss comes up and you can see that MJ is drawing on all her acting skills not to lose it right there.
Girl, seriously, hook back up with Harry. Or John Jameson, he adored you.
In between a running gag of Peter accidentally signaling the maitre’d and having to hint at him to wait, we finally learn that Gwen is his lab partner for Curt’s class. MJ wants to know why he never mentioned her-
Curt and Otto: *take a shot without having to be told*
And proceeds to work up to chewing out her ‘boyfriend’ with a well-deserved tongue-lashing. Peter protests that Gwen’s ‘just a girl in [his] class’ but MJ comes right back with a demand over exactly who kissed Gwen on national TV, Peter Parker or Spiderman. Peter’s decision to play dumb backfires and MJ becomes so upset that she walks out, right as the waiters finally deliver the champagne and ring.
So much for that proposal. Peter, why did you never try poetry like Otto suggested? Or why did you never stop to, you know, think?
Oh, that song he arranged for the musicians to play? Yeah. That was the song MJ had been singing onstage before she got let go. Irony. It bites.
There is only one way to describe how I feel about Peter Parker right now.
Yep, that’s about right. Thank you, Rhino.
The next morning, Peter calls MJ asking to talk (apparently he’s done this several times already) and is blatantly ignored because MJ’s too upset to want anything to do with him. She suddenly has a change of heart and goes to call him back, but he’s already hung up. Peter’s phone rings again, but instead of MJ, it’s a detective calling for him and his aunt to come in, concerning the death of his uncle.
Turns out that the guy everyone thought killed Ben Parker in the first movie was just an accomplice, and the actual killer is at large. Anyone care to guess who this killer is?
Curt: Marko.
Marko.
Sam Raimi has, throughout the series, shown a fondness for using villains with a personal connection to Spiderman. In the first, it was the Green Goblin, Harry’s father, who took a paternal interest in Peter Parker. Gobbie was one of the first villains in the comics to learn that Spidey and Peter are one and the same, which made for some fantastic tension that was played out pretty well in the film, especially with the ‘Be a son to me now’ scene. In the second, you had Doctor Otto Octavius, who took a shine to Parker as a potential mentor and again, almost a fatherly figure. The scenes of Peter having lunch with the Octaviuses and seeing that familial dynamic between them was incredibly touching and effective, and gave Peter a powerful incentive for Otto to redeem himself by at the end. Again, a very strong film. Had Doctor Connors ever become the Lizard, we would have had a similar situation.
Here in movie three, we have Harry as Gobbie Jr, who has a personal vendetta against Peter/Spidey. It’s playing out pretty well, but that leaves ol’ Sandy out in the cold. So Raimi has to scramble- why should there be anything personal between Spidey/Peter and a random, kind of dweebish, not-too-bright thug like Flint Marko?
Simple. It wasn’t random criminal A (officially named Dennis Carradine, if his mug photo is to be believed) who killed Ben Parker! It was Flint Marko!
What the hell, movie.
*turns to Otto* Can I borrow that tentacle with the spike? I want to impale myself on it now.
Otto: No.
Damn.
So after this stunning bit of coincidence, we see Peter yelling at the cops for their failure to catch the right guy, or even keep him in prison on unrelated charges. A flashback of the alternate Ben Parker shooting occurs, which is okay, I suppose, even if the coincidence is too clunky to be swallowed easily. We do see that Ben tried to convince Marko to do the right thing- heck, even Carradine tried to persuade Marko to just get in the car before driving off without Marko. I suppose that’s one way to explain why Marko wasn’t scene in the first film. Surprisingly enough, we actually see Tobey Maguire emoting here.
He continues to emote as we see him in his room listening to the police scanner. MJ arrives to talk to Peter about what the cops told him. She tries to convince him not to go after Marko and do something he’d potentially regret, and all the while Peter pulls the ‘no I’m totally in control here’ act.
Curt: Do we take a shot here?
Yeah. Though this time it’s more to numb the pain of this film than because of a real lack of communication.
Unhappy about being brushed off yet again, MJ leaves. Peter mopes about, trying to figure out if he should go out as Spidey or not, and finally flops on his bed, apparently asleep. In between what I think is a dream sequence, we finally, finally, FINALLY see Symbie (bet you thought the filmmakers forgot about Symbie) ooze his way out of hiding and bond with Peter’s suit.
An HOUR AND FOUR MINUTES IN.
Seriously. We are nearly halfway into this movie, and we’re only now seeing Black-Suited Spidey. Not Venom. Just the black suit. After sitting and watching this crapfest for over an hour, we only NOW get to something that might remotely kickstart this rambling nightmare of a kudzu plot. Not even the nice fluid animation can save this film. Spiderman 3 was hyped as the Black Suit/Venom film, and it takes an entire hour for it to even introduce the suit?
WHY.
*headdesks repeatedly*
Otto: That’s bad for your brain.
I’m hoping to beat the memory of this movie out of it.
*looks at empty bottle* Did we seriously finish it off? *sighs* Right. I’ll go get a new one and be back for the second half.
Otto: Bring more Oreos while you’re up.
Fine. I shall bring more Oreos. And some aspirin.
Spiderman 3
Yay comic movies! Who doesn’t love to see their favorite costumed hero on the big screen, battling their most notorious foes in epic combat gloriously rendered with all the love and care that generations of fans desire and deserve? I know I do. And my favorite superhero is…
Yep, the webhead himself. Spiderman.
There’s just something about him. He’s an adorable uber-geek and universal chew toy who goes out in a tight Spandex costume and kicks bad guy ass, all the while snarking enough to put the Nostalgia Critic himself to shame.
Yes, that would be you, Doug.
So, a movie about Spidey’s gotta be good, right? There’s decades of comics to work from, and Sam Raimi is directing! Woot! So let’s jump in and review Spiderman!
*pauses as a note is slipped to her*
*clears throat*
My apologies, it appears we will not be reviewing the Spiderman film today. Instead, we’ll be reviewing…
WOOT! Even better! Spiderman 2 is widely regarded as by far the best in the trilogy, with an absolutely fantastic Doctor Octopus portrayed by the always-epic Alfred Molina. If you want tall, dark, and snarky with a side of sinister and deliciously evil, Molina is your man. I haven’t seen him in any role that wasn’t fantastic.
Er… except that. But it wasn’t an awful film and Molina only had about five minutes of screen time, so we’ll just ignore that.
So, onto the film! Spiderman 2 starts out with-
*pauses again as another note is slipped to her*
Wait, what? No, you’re not serious.
…
*headdesk*
Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologize. A small, blue, six-armed prankster got into my notes and messed things up. Apparently, today we are not reviewing Spiderman 1 OR 2. Instead, we are reviewing…
Oh, hell. Must I?
…
Crap.
*gets out of review chair and exits the study*
*distant sounds of a scuffle*
*comes back in dragging Otto Octavius and Dr. Curt Connors*
Well, I do have some good news! Otto and Curt here have kindly volunteered to help me review this crapfest of a film!
Curt: I am sorry to admit I actually appear in this thing.
Otto: At least you didn’t die in the last one.
Yes, that was the worst part about the second film. Anyway. Now that I have some backup- you did bring the Oreos, right Otto? Good. Well folks, it’s time you made peace with your dear and fluffy Lord, because we’re about to review Spiderman 3!
Whoops. Wrong opening.
That’s better.
Now, Spiderman 3 opens similarly to 1 and 2, with animated webby bits flying all over the place. Except these are, of course, black webby bits because this movie is about black-suit Spidey/Venom. And like its predecessors, there are some rather lovely fractured paintings of the main characters and important scenes from the prequels.
Otto: No they’re not. Look, that’s an actual clip of that stupid spider! Who decided to paint the thing red and blue anyway? And did we really need to see Parker preening shirtless in front of the mirror? I know I didn’t.
Okay, fine. Unlike SM2, there are clips of important scenes from the prequels instead of the drop-dead gorgeous paintings we saw last time. And now mixed in with the webs is animated black goo. Foreshadowing, anyone?
Curt: It’s always sad when the opening credits tell you who the villain is.
Speaking as an artist, I must say that this is some very nice animation, especially with the black goo and the cobwebby bits of the web. And they have all of the original cast back- those who lived, anyway.
Otto: *glowers*
Good gods, will these credits never end? We get a complete summary of films 1 and 2 while we’re waiting for the movie to actually start- oh hey, there you are, Otto! Yay stock footage.
Otto: This is ridiculous. I have work to do- *goes to get up and gets tugged back into his seat*
Right. Summary, summary, blah blah blah, what they think we haven’t seen the first two movies? And now there is sand mixed in with the black goo. Hmm… wonder who the OTHER villain is?
Curt: I find it rather amusing that the summary of the second film is barely half the length of the first.
Well, we really didn’t need any more shots of MJ in that truly awful brown dress. Really. Who thought that looked good on her?
Oh, look, movie. I almost missed it in all the credits.
Now gentlemen, I would like to introduce a new game. It’s called ‘The Poor Communication Kills drinking game’. You brought the Scotch, right Otto?
Otto: *holds up a bottle with a tentacle*
Good man. Now, every time you see a situation made possible or aggravated by a character not telling another character something that should be fairly obvious, take a shot. *hands out shot glasses* I wish you boys luck.
So the film opens up with the usual Peter Parker narration, only this time he’s patting himself on the back about how AWESOME his life is, as opposed to generally moping about not being able to be with Mary Jane, or about being a loser, or not having a proper job. He’s swinging around New York during all of this in a suspiciously polished act, until the camera pulls away and you can see that it’s just a film up on one of those big public outdoor screens you see in every media piece about the Big Apple. Which leads to our first logical conundrum.
A film. Of Spidey.
The superhero who is notorious for being camera-shy when it’s not Peter Parker taking the pictures.
Curt: How… exactly did they film Spiderman then? How did they get camera crews up there and following him around?
Good question, Doc.
So Peter keeps narrating, all the while patting himself on the back. For the genre-savvy among us, what character flaw do you think Pete’s falling prey to here?
For those of you who said ‘pride’, good for you.
Otto: Pride goeth before a fall.
Curt: And you would know all about that. Doctor Octopus.
Otto and tentacles: *glare*
We could spend hours debating the motifs about pride and moral use of power for hours, but that’s really not the point of this film. Moving on.
After getting beat over the head with how NYC now looooooooves Spiderman (and why, exactly? JJJ has spent the last two films trying to convince everyone he’s a menace, and most of the city seemed to agree with him. No one but Spidey and MJ were at the pier with Ock, so what, exactly, did Spidey do to win the affection of the city? Explain, movie, EXPLAIN!) we see Peter doing fantastic in his classes and looking at a ring in a pawn shop. Hm. Wonder if that’s gonna be important later.
Otto: Obviously.
Oh, and the blonde who beat Peter on answering Doctor Connor’s question? Gwen Stacy. In the comics, she was his love interest before Mary Jane. She had the rather unfortunate ending of being tossed off a bridge by the Green Goblin and caught by Spiderman. In a very cruel application of physics that was unique for comic books at the time, the sudden deceleration caused by getting caught in the web had the effect of breaking her neck.
Curt: And here would be our next logical flaw. Spiderman’s been catching people in his webs exactly like that all through the earlier films. Why did none of them get their necks broken?
Otto: Wasn’t dramatic enough. Curt, why are you a physics teacher here? You’re a biologist.
Curt: I know. Which makes you wonder how I’m supposed to wind up as the Lizard.
Not only are things going great for Peter/Spiderman, but they seem to be looking up for his girlfriend (finally) Mary Jane Watson. The aspiring actress has landed herself a lead role in a Broadway musical, and we see that for once, Peter, adorakable as ever, has made it to her performance. She’s actually not bad, but… oh, who’s that up in the balcony?
You know, I’m having a hard time believing that Kirsten Dunst is actually singing there. I could be wrong.
Otto: And who, exactly, is that up in the balcony?
Oh, right. It’s Harry Osborn! When we last saw Harry, he’d gotten smacked with the Poor Communication Kills stick real hard (take a shot, gentlemen) and had just discovered that his father was…
*cue dramatic music*
THE GREEN GOBLIN!
Not bothering to ask Peter his side of the story, or investigate why his father was the Goblin, Harry’s portion of the film closes with him looking a bit too interested in ol’ Gobbie’s toys- the glider, the bombs, and the mask. Now he’s sitting in the balcony looking down at Peter with a rather weird smirk. I think it’s a smirk, anyway.
Play finishes, Peter runs into Harry outside the theater. Oh, now he wants to talk. Gee, don’t you think you could have arranged to do that when you were standing in his living room wearing your costume and he was staring at you with the ultimate expression of “OMGWTF” on his face? Really, saying, ‘Gee Harry, I know you’re probably confused. Let me go save MJ and NYC from Doc Ock and then I’ll come back and we can talk about everything so you don’t go off the deep end and take after your dad by turning yourself into a new Green Goblin and trying to kill me! Wouldn’t that be great?’
Take another shot, boys.
Harry basically tells Peter to shove off (wow, another shot already) and Peter goes to see MJ backstage, where she is all giddy with the aftereffects of being onstage in a premiere role and with the flowers Peter and Harry sent her. Harry, being the owner of Oscorp, has arranged to send a really big bunch of flowers.
Did I mention that Harry and MJ used to date in the first movie? Gee, wonder if he still has feelings for her?
Otto: Or he could just be trying to get under Parker’s skin.
Anyway, we see Peter assuring MJ that she was fantastic for about a minute before the film cuts to what had been the Green Goblin’s little hidey hole for all his tech- including the gas chamber that turned Norman into the Goblin. There’s a nifty little pan past the different equipment, showing how Harry’s modified his father’s gear. Instead of the bat-shaped glider, for instance, there’s a thing that looks kinda like a snowboard.
This sounds really cool until you read the novelization and realize that the flying snowboard is, in fact, officially called a ‘Sky Stick’.
…
Wut.
Otto and Curt: …
Anyway, continuing the pan into the lab, we see Harry step out of the gas chamber, all Goblinified and shirtless. I will give James Franco credit, I’d rather see him without a shirt than Tobey Maguire.
Otto and Curt: …
Curt: I don’t think we needed to hear that.
*clears throat* Sorry.
So, yay Gobbie Junior. There’s our secondary plot. Now we get a cut to a park at night- which I can’t believe is in New York, there are far too many stars visible. And I mean, a ton of stars.
Seriously, have you ever seen that many stars in a city the size of New York? You don’t even see that many stars in Bremerton, Washington, and it’s a little city!
Otto: I think you should be talking about the other stars in this film.
Right. Stars. The pair currently hanging out in a Spidey web in the park like it’s a hammock, watching shooting stars go by. This movie must be taking place during the Pleiades meteor shower or something, because you see three whiz by in the space of about a second. We get a tender little moment between Peter and MJ, with MJ saying how she wants to sing onstage for the rest of her life with Peter cheering her on from the front row and Peter promising he’ll be there. Rather amusing when you consider that last movie, he couldn’t get to a performance to save his life until he gave up being Spiderman. Then we get the obligatory ‘I love you’ scene, which is just this side of saccharine. Emoting is not Tobey’s strong suit. Neither is quipping, but more on that later.
During the middle of their make-out scene, the camera pans behind them and we see a suspiciously close shooting star whiz by.
I’ve heard of seeing fireworks when you kiss someone, but methinks that’s a bit too literal.
As Peter and MJ continue to snog each other senseless in their webby hammock, we see that the meteor touched down about ten yards from Parker’s scooter. Houston, the A-plot has landed.
After oozing out of a hole in the meteor, the black goo hereafter known as ‘Symbie’ crawls across the ground and attaches itself to Peter’s scooter.
Curt: Why?
Uh, ‘cause the plot says so.
Symbie there gets some rather cool animation. If there’s one good thing about this film other than Curt, it’s the animation. Liquids are a bitch to animate in the first place, and shiny stuff tends to be even more so. Kudos for making a black goo look really, really intimidating.
Peter and MJ leave, not knowing they have an extraterrestrial stowaway, and we are introduced to our third plot- a guy dressed in a convict’s outfit running down the street with a cop in a car trying to decide if he’s trouble or not. Cop apparently decides not, and the convict breaks into an apartment. Not before we get a good look at his face:
Damn, he looks familiar. I know I’ve seen him before. No idea where though.
So, convict breaks into a little girl’s bedroom (creepy) and stands there looking at her for a minute (creepy) and just keeps staring (getting really creepy now) and reaches inside his jumpsuit and pulls out (holy crap creepy!!)- a bunch of letters?
This is, actually, a surprisingly useful little bit. In this shot we learn who this guy is (Flint Marko), who the girl is (Penny Marko), that they’re related, and that someone has been refusing the delivery of these letters. We also learn that Flint’s dedicated enough to his daughter to go straight to her the moment he busts himself out of prison. Well done movie- and that’s probably the only time I’m going to say that for this film.
Otto: You’ve been remarkably generous about it so far.
Because we’re only twelve minutes in, that’s why.
Marko tucks the letters under Penny’s pillow, in a shot that shows us she’s sick. I have no idea why a little girl would need an oxygen tube while she sleeps, but she’s wearing one. That can’t be comfortable. Marko then goes and gets some of his old clothes- including the striped shirt he always wore in the comics- and goes to steal some food when his wife comes in. She proceeds to give us some exposition that the last several scenes did a nice job of giving us already- he’s an escaped convict, cops are looking for him, blah blah blah. Not only is Marko a thief, it turns out he may have killed someone.
I wonder if that will be important later.
Marko protests that he had good reason for doing what he did, his wife accuses him of betraying her and Penny, Penny comes out and there’s a touching little scene between father and daughter about how they miss each other, and Penny gives him a locket.
Meanwhile, you get some good audio of Marko’s voice. And… Holy crap, I know where I’ve seen him before! That’s Thomas Haden Church! Last time I saw him, he was playing Lyle Vandegrut in George of the Jungle!
Yikes. Dude, you did not age well at all. I am so sorry. Voice is still pretty damn awesome though- he was in Over the Hedge as Dwayne the Exterminator and played that role as cheesy as possible and then some, making it awesome in the process.
Curt: Back to this film, please.
Marko promises to get the money for Penny’s medical treatment and then leaves, protesting to his wife that he’s not a bad person. He just had bad luck. Right. Okay. I’ll buy it for the moment, because I’m a bit of a sucker for daddy-daughter scenes. I’ll admit it.
Otto: *coughs*
We then return to Peter showing up at the retirement home where Aunt May is now living, and he proclaims to her that he’s going to ask MJ to marry him. Much happy-happy-joy-joy, excitement, and Aunt May reminiscing how Ben proposed to her, with emphasis on them waiting until they were both ready. She advises Peter to ensure that he can put MJ before himself. Peter says he thinks he can (wonder if this will be important later?), there’s discussion of how to propose, and May gives Peter her own engagement ring for him to give to MJ. Rosemary Harris continues to play a fantastic Aunt May, though sadly she never gets quite as awesome a moment as she did last film when she hit Otto over the head with her umbrella.
Otto: That hurt.
Curt: I think that was the point.
Tobey’s acting, on the other hand, continues to remain slightly wooden. Sam Raimi praises him in various DVD commentaries for his ‘subtle’ acting, but there’s ‘subtle’ and then there’s ‘mannequin’. Tobey tends to lean towards the latter, playing things too subtly and winding up looking stoned or stunned when he’s supposed to be happy or heartbroken. One reason why I don’t care for him as Spiderman/Peter Parker.
Peter drives home, for once actually managing to portray the fact that he’s happy with this sort of doofy little grin, when all of a sudden some masked lunatic on a flying snowboard snatches him up into an airborne fight. This is pretty cool, watching them trying to pummel each other and not fall off the *shudder* Sky Stick.
Okay, that’s a stupid name. We’re not calling it that any longer. It’s a flying snowboard. We’re calling it a flying snowboard.
The movie people are getting better at 3-D battles. We actually get to see Peter swing around a tower of some kind firing web balls at his attacker, and there’s lots of spinning and camera motion that must have been a pain to work out. It also makes use of movie!Peter’s organic web shooters- I really can’t see him wearing the mechanical ones all day every day under his clothes, particularly not on a date night with MJ.
…
Actually…
No. Not touching that.
Curt: Thank you.
Anyway. Green Goblin II has a trick his father didn’t- blades along his forearm that prove mighty handy for cutting through spiderwebs. He makes a lot better use of them then Jango Fett ever did.
In the middle of this there’s a reveal showing how it really is Harry under that mask. I have to say, Harry makes for a far less goofy-looking Goblin than his dad did- but he completely disregards the whole Goblin shtick in favor of…
Er… stealth operative/flying ninja? Intimidating, but doesn’t exactly scream ‘Green Goblin’. Not even ‘Green’ anything. It looks cool, but dude, you’re missing the point.
Peter seems oddly stunned to see that Harry’s finally taken after his father and tries to talk Harry down, claiming that he didn’t kill Norman, Norman killed himself.
Yeah. Nice way to put it. And a brilliant time to FINALLY TELL HARRY.
Take a shot, boys.
There’s more midair fighting, Peter getting knocked into walls, Peter losing his aunt’s ring, Peter scrambling for the ring in one of those truly irritating slo-mo shots, the fight finally moving through an alley where Peter strings up a trip line and knocks Harry off his flying snowboard. In between all of this you have to admire how quickly Harry got the hang of all this airborne martial arts. Right up until he takes a spill and knocks himself out. Wish we’d gotten some indication of his competence earlier in the series, because it feels ridiculously forced.
Otto: *watches Harry get knocked off his board four stories up and hit about a dozen things on the way down* And how, exactly, did he survive that?
Curt: Superpowers?
And now Peter realizes that oh, he may have just killed his best friend. Clever, Parker, very clever. I can see why they call you a genius. Harry has stopped breathing, so we get a CPR scene. And the slash fans rejoice, thinking that they’ll get to see a ‘kiss of life’ but thank all that it sacred we don’t get one.
Harry is taken to the hospital, Peter stands there looking worried, and then we get a cut to the police station where a cop brings Captain George Stacy (yes, he’s Gwen’s father, in case you were wondering) a file on Flint Marko. Turns out, Marko was linked to the Ben Parker homicide! *dun dun DUUUUN*
Otto: Must you do that?
Yes. I must.
We see Marko being pursued across a field towards an experimental particle physics test facility. He hops the fence to avoid the cops and tumbles into a very large pit, where a test is about to take place. As can be expected, a test is about to take place.
Otto: In the middle of the night?
Apparently. One of the scientists comments that there’s a slight change in the mass of one in one of the experiments, while another shrugs it off, saying it was probably a bird and would fly away.
Curt and Otto: …
This, my friends, is your average bird:
We’re talking maybe a pound or two at most.
This is Thomas Haden Church. Probably about 210-230 pounds- he’s pretty solid.
You’re telling me that the instruments can’t tell the difference between a BIRD and a HUMAN??? Seriously, the guy looks like he could have played American football in high school. In fact, he actually had to put on ten pounds of muscle to play Flint Marko!!
Instrumental communications fail. Gentlemen-
Otto and Curt: *raise their glasses* Take a shot.
That’s right.
So we get a long, drawn-out scene of the birth of Sandman, More fantastic animation- particles like sand are also a bitch to animate- but really, this couldn’t have gone on any longer if they’d tried. We do get a bit of a break by cutting back to the hospital, where it turns out that Harry is alive and will recover, except for one thing.
He has retrograde amnesia.
Otto and Curt: …
Otto: They didn’t.
Curt: *sighs* They did.
So he doesn’t remember his father dying, being the Green Goblin Jr, Peter being Spiderman… nothing. Complete memory reset. Anyone want to take bets on how long that will last?
Peter is certainly relieved that Harry won’t be trying to kill him anymore. And Harry seems quite content. When the nurse mentions what great friends he has, he replies:
Harry: My best friends. I’d give my life for them.
I wonder if this is going to be important later?
As we slog through a long shot of Flint Marko literally pulling himself together, I can only admire the animation here. It’s beautifully done, and the music makes his transformation and loss of physical humanity seem truly tragic. That said… *yawn* It goes on for way too long. Three entire minutes, in fact, which is a lot of time to spend on a single scene with no dialogue. Artistic and pretty, but it really slows the pace of the movie down.
FINALLY, we cut to Peter arranging a dinner date with MJ at the Restaurant Constellation so he can propose to her. There’s a moment of farce where MJ shows up at his door and he scrambles to hide the ring, before MJ shows him the review published in the paper about her play. In an uncanny prediction of how this movie will score in its own reviews, the review is a bad one.
Peter tries to reassure her by comparing her plight to how everyone hated Spiderman at first, invites her to dinner, dear God is this over yet? What? What do you mean we’re only thirty minutes in??
Otto: Well, if you’re going to kill yourself over this you don’t need me here-
Sit down, Octavius.
Otto: *sigh*
Peter begins to show the jerkwad streak he’s picked up specifically for this film by completely not listening to MJ, brushing off her unhappiness over the bad review, and then swinging off as Spiderman when he hears an alert on the police scanner, all the while acting like this is the most appropriate way to act.
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.
So we have more failure to communicate setting the stage for problems later on. Take a shot, boys. Now, between Peter being an idiot and the whole Green Goblin/Sandman/proposing to MJ business, one might have thought the filmmakers had forgotten all about Symbie and our A-plot. But never fear! The ooze is alive and well and in Peter’s bedroom. And I really don’t want to think about that too hard so let’s just cut to our next scene: A large construction crane has had a mechanical failure (why exactly is something like this sitting on top of a building? How did they get it up there?) and is careening out of control, while in the next building we get this:
A photoshoot starring Gwen Stacy.
Otto: Er… since when was Stacy a model?
Curt: A really good question.
And look at how politically correct that group of models is.
So we’ve got Gwen at a photoshoot and the photographer complaining because there’s suddenly something large and obnoxious in his background.
Right, that would be the beams that the crane had been lifting. Oh look, they’re coming right towards you. Girls, maybe you should, I don’t know, evacuate the room???
But of course they don’t, and they have to duck and cover as the beam smashes through the corner of the building, taking a large number of support apparati with it. And for more fun, as everyone stands and gawks and gapes, it comes back to knock out the floor beneath theirs.
Fly you fools!
FINALLY they start running, but as is required for these sorts of scenes, it’s too little, too late. Everyone but Gwen gets out safely. Poor Gwen slides to the edge and hangs there to scream for a while. As she gets to enjoy the wonders of being in mortal peril, we get a shot of this guy:
Down on the ground with Captain George Stacey. This guy helpfully informs us in between snapping pictures that his name is Eddie Brock (excuse me, Edward Brock Junior), he’s a photographer, and that oh by the way, he’s dating Gwen.
Gwen’s peril increases as the beam she’s clinging to swings out over the street- but look! Here comes Spiderman to save the day, with all the drama required for a rescue!
Curt: As usual. So that’s why he’s always skipping my class.
Spidey saves Gwen, Brock tries to force his way in as Spidey’s ‘new official photographer’, cheerfully bashing Peter’s photo skills in the process. I smell competition.
Otto: Or it may just be the stink of this film.
His pride in his photos stung, Spidey swings off, and we get a shot of Gwen looking all gooey-eyed over her rescuer before (finally) cutting to the Daily Bugle. JJJ is in fine form as always, his office plastered in old front pages of Spidey with headlines about how much of a menace he is. Oh look Otto, there’s the one of you.
Otto: *makes a face*
The pill bottles on the desk show us that JJJ has been warned about his blood pressure, which gives us a rather obnoxious running gag with Betty Brant buzzing in every time JJJ is about to blow his lid or how it’s time to take one pill or another, stressing him out even more in the process.
Brock saunters in, flirts obnoxiously with Betty, and goes to deliver his Spidey photos to JJJ. If that’s even possible, he gets even more obnoxious as he sets about schmoozing his way into JJJ’s good graces. Think greasy, fast-talking used car salesman, except Hades did it SO much better in Hercules. Peter shows up and the smell of testosterone begins to get overwhelming, with both competing for the staff job that’s opened up. JJJ sets it up as a competition, promising the staff job to whoever brings him a picture of Spiderman doing something illegal. At least it’s nice to see that not everyone thinks Spidey is as great as he thinks he is right now…
Back in Spidey Central- I mean, Times Square (I think it’s Times Square anyway) we see an announcement proclaiming Spiderman is going to be given the key to the city for saving Gwen Stacy. At the same time, we get the obligatory Stan Lee cameo.
Stan Lee, I love ya to pieces, but WHY DID YOU OKAY THIS FILM?
*sobs*
At long last we return to our Harry/GGJr subplot and see Harry and Peter returning to the Osborn penthouse. Things seem to have been patched up nicely between our boys, which is a nice change from the downward spiral their relationship has been in for the past film and a half. We get some reminiscing about how in high school they had wanted to try out for the varsity basketball team (for the cheerleaders, as Harry puts it) and there’s some general fluffy friendly guy stuff that you just know won’t last as they run through the penthouse playing with the basketball Peter brought. The happy tone fades a bit as Harry tries to remember his father. Trying to distract him, Peter tosses the ball at Harry and nearly knocks over an expensive-looking vase, but Harry spectacularly manages to catch them both:
And there’s our ominous foreshadowing about the return of Gobbie Jr, with a hint of the Goblin theme playing in the background.
Otto: It’s not as good as my theme.
Of course it isn’t, Otto.
The next stage in this ‘happy life going down the toilet’ is a scene of MJ going to rehearsal only to find that she’s been replaced by her understudy. The guys in charge try to let her down easy, but even they know how bad they failed at it.
Then we get to the big Spidey-fest where our hero is to be granted the key to the city. Peter hams it up, and Brock shows up and snaps pictures of Gwen in a scene oddly reminiscent of a concurrent one between Peter and MJ, except Brock is more annoying and apparently tried to make a romance out of a single coffee break with Gwen. Peter brushes off MJ’s concerns about her career and goes off to make a grand entrance as Spiderman.
At long, long last we go back to Flint Marko. Seriously, there is WAY too much stuff going on in this film.
Curt: How many plots are we up to now?
Otto: Parker and Watson, the symbiote, Parker and Osborn, Parker and Brock, and Marko. Five so far.
Curt: And aren’t we supposed to get a shot for Parker brushing off Miss Watson again?
Otto: Yes. *gulps his* Is it over yet?
No. Nowhere near.
Otto: *groans*
Anyway, we finally go back to Marko, who is spotted by some cops but uses his new sand powers to hide from them in a scene with too much handheld camera work for my stomach. Marko smacks the cops around for a bit, is generally big, sandy, and scary, then blows away to rob an armored van in time for us to see Gwen’s speech welcoming Spiderman.
It’s not a horrible speech, all things considered. MJ doesn’t seem to be too happy about the whole thing, however, and only cheers up when Harry comes around with cotton candy in tow. Young Osborn seems spectacularly chipper, more so than we have ever seen him in this trilogy. If only he could stay like this. *sigh* He’s also a heck of a lot more sensitive than Peter’s been since… well… kinda ever.
Otto: Oh look. Another subplot.
Harry even reveals that he once wrote a play for MJ in high school, further laying the groundwork for a potential Harry/MJ pairing. At the rate Peter’s going, I’d say go for it.
Speaking of Peter, he’s up on a ledge patting himself on the back while waiting for his entrance cue.
Not only does he have Gwen giving him a speech, he’s got a band playing his theme song and- holy crap, he’s got a freakin’ drill team performing up there.
Anyway, he swings in, showing off the entire time- well, at least someone’s enjoying themselves- and all seems to be going fine until he caves to the demands of the crowd and lets Gwen do this:
…
There are no words.
Otto: Apart from ‘Parker, you idiot’?
Curt: *gapes in shock*
Personally I like ‘moron’.
And of course, dramatic moment is dramatic, which means MJ sees the whole thing.
Peter Parker, you idiot.
This kid:
Has just become my favorite person in the whole film.
Fortunately, Peter doesn’t get any more of a chance to make an ass of himself (not that he wasn’t doing splendidly) because the fun is interrupted by a completely random sandstorm!
I mean, Sandman.
Spidey, of course, goes after him. Marko’s decided to rob a bank van, and Peter is apparently too wrapped up in his own legend to notice the unusual amount of sand in the van as he attempts to (badly) banter with Marko.
This is about the point Spidey notices that not all is right with this particular criminal. Peter, MENSA called. They want your membership card back.
Blah blah blah, fight fight fight, obligatory skiing behind moving vehicle stunt- though Spidey’s not as lucky as most people who pull it, as he smashes through about every car in the road. Drivers saved, Spidey swings off to a ledge somewhere to dump sand out of his boot.
I really don’t want to wonder where else he has sand right now. Flint Marko’s probably one of the least comfortable villains to fight. In one of the few good Spidey-quips in this trilogy, Peter wonders aloud just where all these nutcases come from.
That’s a really good question, Peter.
At long, long last, we get to the restaurant where Peter plans to propose.
Otto: Somehow I don’t think this is going to go well.
Curt: He kissed Stacy in front of the entire city and now he wants to propose to Watson. Of course this isn’t going to go well.
In a slightly startling change of pace, the random extra who interacts with Peter in this scene is French maitre’d who is surprisingly helpful. After a moment of Peter being thrown by an apparent language barrier, the maitre’d takes a liking to Peter and helps him arrange a perfect proposal situation- champagne, music, whole nine yards. There’s the required reference to the French and romance, of course before Peter is taken to his table and spends the next minute or so practicing his responses to how he thinks MJ will react to finding a ring in her champagne.
Is anyone besides me wondering how he’s affording all this? No? Okay. Moving on.
Curt: Watson just lampshaded the price for you.
Oh, okay. Anyway. She shows up, quips if this restaurant is within Peter’s budget, and the two settle in for what we can only hope is a nice dinner date. Sadly, MJ’s in no mood to be cheered as Peter tells her that it’s a special occasion to celebrate her role in the Broadway production.
Otto: You mean the one she got dropped from?
Exactly. And instead of telling Peter this (take a shot) she tiptoes around it and Peter completely misses the point, thinking she’s anxious over new-found fame. He then proceeds to compare it to how he feels with the whole new ‘NYC loves Spidey’ thing and just proceeds to dig himself in deeper to this pit of arrogant jerkassery he’s made for himself. MJ’s expression nicely sums up how the audience is feeling right now:
As if things couldn’t get any worse, guess who shows up?
Curt: Gwen Stacy.
Otto: Typical.
Yep. Gwen shows up and pretty much crashes the mood of the date because Peter’s all happy to see her and is too wrapped up in himself to realize that MJ might not appreciate having Blondie show up in the middle of her dinner with Peter right after she kissed Spiderman for the world to see. Naturally, the subject of said kiss comes up and you can see that MJ is drawing on all her acting skills not to lose it right there.
Girl, seriously, hook back up with Harry. Or John Jameson, he adored you.
In between a running gag of Peter accidentally signaling the maitre’d and having to hint at him to wait, we finally learn that Gwen is his lab partner for Curt’s class. MJ wants to know why he never mentioned her-
Curt and Otto: *take a shot without having to be told*
And proceeds to work up to chewing out her ‘boyfriend’ with a well-deserved tongue-lashing. Peter protests that Gwen’s ‘just a girl in [his] class’ but MJ comes right back with a demand over exactly who kissed Gwen on national TV, Peter Parker or Spiderman. Peter’s decision to play dumb backfires and MJ becomes so upset that she walks out, right as the waiters finally deliver the champagne and ring.
So much for that proposal. Peter, why did you never try poetry like Otto suggested? Or why did you never stop to, you know, think?
Oh, that song he arranged for the musicians to play? Yeah. That was the song MJ had been singing onstage before she got let go. Irony. It bites.
There is only one way to describe how I feel about Peter Parker right now.
Yep, that’s about right. Thank you, Rhino.
The next morning, Peter calls MJ asking to talk (apparently he’s done this several times already) and is blatantly ignored because MJ’s too upset to want anything to do with him. She suddenly has a change of heart and goes to call him back, but he’s already hung up. Peter’s phone rings again, but instead of MJ, it’s a detective calling for him and his aunt to come in, concerning the death of his uncle.
Turns out that the guy everyone thought killed Ben Parker in the first movie was just an accomplice, and the actual killer is at large. Anyone care to guess who this killer is?
Curt: Marko.
Marko.
Sam Raimi has, throughout the series, shown a fondness for using villains with a personal connection to Spiderman. In the first, it was the Green Goblin, Harry’s father, who took a paternal interest in Peter Parker. Gobbie was one of the first villains in the comics to learn that Spidey and Peter are one and the same, which made for some fantastic tension that was played out pretty well in the film, especially with the ‘Be a son to me now’ scene. In the second, you had Doctor Otto Octavius, who took a shine to Parker as a potential mentor and again, almost a fatherly figure. The scenes of Peter having lunch with the Octaviuses and seeing that familial dynamic between them was incredibly touching and effective, and gave Peter a powerful incentive for Otto to redeem himself by at the end. Again, a very strong film. Had Doctor Connors ever become the Lizard, we would have had a similar situation.
Here in movie three, we have Harry as Gobbie Jr, who has a personal vendetta against Peter/Spidey. It’s playing out pretty well, but that leaves ol’ Sandy out in the cold. So Raimi has to scramble- why should there be anything personal between Spidey/Peter and a random, kind of dweebish, not-too-bright thug like Flint Marko?
Simple. It wasn’t random criminal A (officially named Dennis Carradine, if his mug photo is to be believed) who killed Ben Parker! It was Flint Marko!
What the hell, movie.
*turns to Otto* Can I borrow that tentacle with the spike? I want to impale myself on it now.
Otto: No.
Damn.
So after this stunning bit of coincidence, we see Peter yelling at the cops for their failure to catch the right guy, or even keep him in prison on unrelated charges. A flashback of the alternate Ben Parker shooting occurs, which is okay, I suppose, even if the coincidence is too clunky to be swallowed easily. We do see that Ben tried to convince Marko to do the right thing- heck, even Carradine tried to persuade Marko to just get in the car before driving off without Marko. I suppose that’s one way to explain why Marko wasn’t scene in the first film. Surprisingly enough, we actually see Tobey Maguire emoting here.
He continues to emote as we see him in his room listening to the police scanner. MJ arrives to talk to Peter about what the cops told him. She tries to convince him not to go after Marko and do something he’d potentially regret, and all the while Peter pulls the ‘no I’m totally in control here’ act.
Curt: Do we take a shot here?
Yeah. Though this time it’s more to numb the pain of this film than because of a real lack of communication.
Unhappy about being brushed off yet again, MJ leaves. Peter mopes about, trying to figure out if he should go out as Spidey or not, and finally flops on his bed, apparently asleep. In between what I think is a dream sequence, we finally, finally, FINALLY see Symbie (bet you thought the filmmakers forgot about Symbie) ooze his way out of hiding and bond with Peter’s suit.
An HOUR AND FOUR MINUTES IN.
Seriously. We are nearly halfway into this movie, and we’re only now seeing Black-Suited Spidey. Not Venom. Just the black suit. After sitting and watching this crapfest for over an hour, we only NOW get to something that might remotely kickstart this rambling nightmare of a kudzu plot. Not even the nice fluid animation can save this film. Spiderman 3 was hyped as the Black Suit/Venom film, and it takes an entire hour for it to even introduce the suit?
WHY.
*headdesks repeatedly*
Otto: That’s bad for your brain.
I’m hoping to beat the memory of this movie out of it.
*looks at empty bottle* Did we seriously finish it off? *sighs* Right. I’ll go get a new one and be back for the second half.
Otto: Bring more Oreos while you’re up.
Fine. I shall bring more Oreos. And some aspirin.
