Post by Bertie Moreland on Aug 24, 2010 5:04:51 GMT -5
Let's look back to the year 1991. I was a wee thing of only one year old then, and so I have no memory of when the film of Beauty and the Beast came out, but I certainly remember the film. It has been my favorite film for my entire life since I was three years old. It has been a wonderful influence on my perception of fairy tales and the Disney Princess franchise, among other things. If Belle is involved, I am sure that I will love it.
Now, what is there to love about this film? An easier question to answer would be how can you not love this film? The score is amazing, allowing you to feel everything that the characters do from curiosity to fear to anticipation to sorrow to love. The songs are catchy and beautiful. Example:
Not only is the music wonderful, but the animation stands out. Compared to other animated films of the time--Rock-A-Doodle, I'm looking in your direction--it is lovely and bright. All the colors stand out as they should, and the character designs are believable.
But sadly, I will not be reviewing this beloved animated classic. No…instead, I will be reviewing…*shudder* Belle's Magical World.
If there are those of you who don't know what this abomination is…*beat*…Good for you. That being the case, I recommend you look away now and keep your minds untainted.
Now, I love Beauty and the Beast. I really do. But when Disney reaches out and makes a God-awful sequel to the film that is my favorite animated film of all time…I start to take offence. But I digress. My preferences are not what is important in this review. What is important is that I am trying to prove what a horrible piece of crap this thing is.
The film opens with this sequence: (watch only to about 57 seconds in, please)
In and of itself, this is not so bad. It was actually rather creative, and my eight-year-old mind found it rather enjoyable when this first came out. They even got the voice of the narrator right. When this first came out, it actually seemed very cool to me. It was named after my favorite princess of all time. Heck, her name and her picture are one of the first things that you see in the narration!
See? That had to mean that it was good. At least, that was what I thought to myself. Oh, foolish youth that I was. We move along beyond the opening to the first segment of this thing. Oh, did I forget to mention that it has segments. There isn't even an actual plot! God, did the creativity of Disney completely die after 1995?
Again, I am getting carried away. So the first segment of this atrocity is called "The Perfect Word."
*beat* Say what? What does the perfect word have to anything, let alone with Beauty and the Beast? Are they going to play with how much Belle loves reading? *long pause* No. That still doesn't explain what the title has to do with anything. Will there be something about breaking the spell? *considers* Whatever. Let us move along!
We see Cogsworth lighting up a chandelier. Okay, that's not too bad. The animation leaves a little something to be desired, but isn't that true of most Disney sequels? Maybe this will be better than those other ones.
*sarcastic* Of course it will be. Oh, well. Moving on. The chandelier begins to talk to Cogsworth--justifiable, considering what film this is based off of, where everything talks--and her name is "Chandeliera." I wish I was making this up. Well, it appears that Chandeliera is a little hard of hearing. *sarcastic* I wonder if that will be important later on. *beat* Not a chance.
After the pointless exchange between Cogsworth and Chandeliera, we go to find the Beast dictating a letter…for…firewood? *beat* Well, I guess a castle as big as the Beast's does need firewood if you don't want to freeze your furry backside off. The quill pen writing the letter is moving on its own, but we've seen weirder things in this castle. Unfortunately, the Beast is having difficulty coming up with a reason for why he wants the firewood sent over. *pause* Honestly?
Okay, that is just lame. The Beast might have not been very educated compared to other Disney characters--I mean, if you do the math properly, he was only ten when he was transformed into the Beast (don't think about why the Enchantress would do that to such a little kid, it will give you brain pain)--but he wasn't stupid. I honestly think he would be able to say something a little more intelligent than "Send me firewood because I need it" and he wouldn't be so stupid that he would need a quill pen to tell him that that's what he should say. *grits teeth* I'm barely two minutes in, and already I'm holding back an aneurism! God, Disney, what happened to you?
*coughs* Again, moving on. It turns out that the pile of parchment that the Beast is writing on is also alive. *beat* I'm not even going to think about the horrors that implies. *shakes head* A bird named Witherspoon--don't ask how the bird got trained to do all this, it'll make things go faster--comes in and takes away the letter to…where? *wince* So many plot holes in so little time. I can already see what sort of viewing this will be like.
So, Lumiere comes in. Oh, please, tell me this is where the actual plot kicks in. I'm getting a migraine waiting for it. Lumiere tells the Beast that it's time for dinner, and that Belle will be waiting for them. Okay, again, this is viable. Beast says that Belle makes him nervous and they have a chat about how the Beast should go about impressing her. *pause* Boring, but not unbelievable.
Meanwhile, in the hall, Cogsworth and Belle are walking towards the dining hall. Wait…wasn't he just in the…Forget it, I'm not going to waste time on that. So they are discussing the way that Belle and the Beast are behaving towards each other. Cogsworth describes it as "tranquil." *beat* Really? That's the best word you could come up with? *winces more* David Ogden Stiers…what were you thinking when you agreed to do this thing? Your talent is wasted here!
So he goes on to wonder if that was the right word to use--well of course it wasn't, you idiot! Belle and the Beast are anything but tranquil!--when we meet…a dictionary? Named…Webster?
…Okay, I'll go with that. I've heard weirder things. And…again, this is a castle where everything is alive, it makes sense that some of the books…would be…alive…Wait a second…if all the castle servants turned into living objects…what was Webster's job? I can get what the jobs of the quill pen and parchment from earlier were; scribe and valet, maybe? Or probably scribe and…no, no, I have no idea what the parchment would have been before. Whatever. Moving on.
Belle invites Webster to come with them to dinner. *beat* Why? I thought the whole point of these dinners together were to get them to fall in love? *grits teeth again* Moving on. Wait…Oh, God, they got the entire original cast to do this? WHO AMONG THEM THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I thought that these people were GOOD actors! I thought they were worthwhile! They should be smarter than that!
*forty-five minutes later*
Sorry about that. *cough* So the Beast greets Belle with a kiss on the hand--oh, yeah, Lumiere gave him that idea. Long story--which she is justifiably surprised (and a little disturbed) by. When is this supposed to be taking place, anyway? After the wolf attack, obviously, but how long after? They never say…so I'm going to just say this is sometime between the wolves and the "Something There" scene. Just accept that and we can get through a lot of this a lot easier.
Belle starts talking about a new book she's reading--which sounds suspiciously like…Cinderella (yes, they went there)--but Lumiere is getting pushed about by Chandeliera as she comes closer to the table to hear the story. I guess that makes sense, as she's supposed to be hard of hearing. Also, the Beast is starting to suffer from how hot the room is. *beat and resists the urge to make some sort of dirty joke* I won't go there. I swear I am not. *cough*Gettingturnedonarewe?*cough*
Well Chandeliera and Lumiere start bickering like an old married couple and there's some insult on both sides. Meanwhile, the Beast is getting hotter and hotter until he insists that the window be opened. This chills everyone, but the Beast is still hot. *beat* I swear it's the fur. Belle uses a big word that Webster has to define for the Beast and a fight breaks out ending with Beast hitting Webster and tossing him to the floor. *applauds sarcastically* Thank you, movie, that made my day. So, Belle stalks off and the Beast goes to sulk.
How is it that these characters have gone from being incredibly loveable and interesting to…this? Okay, no. I'm not going into this. This review will be too long for people to read if I do.
Well time passes and neither Belle nor the Beast are going to apologize. Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I discovered our plot. This is going to be a huge Aesop. Get out the baby seals and your clubs, I think we are going to have little to no subtlety in this.
Apparently Chandeliera and Lumiere aren't apologizing either, but that's our B plot, and therefore not important. Beast flips out at the idea that he needs to apologize first, so Cogsworth and Lumiere go to try and convince Belle that she needs to apologize. Three guesses how that works out.
So no one is budging and both Belle and the Beast are heartbroken. *pause* I'm not even going into this. Because no one is going to apologize on their own, Webster, the quill and the parchment get together to take matters into their own hands. Get out your riot gear, ladies and gentlemen, this is not going to be pretty. Webster dictates a letter of apology which Mrs. Potts--the only member of this cast who is not voiced by her original actress--overhears. She is shocked…but doesn't do anything. A heck of a lot will be avoided if Mrs. Potts said something. But I digress again.
Wait a second…how is Mrs. Potts in Belle's room after just being outside of the library? *shakes head* Forget it. As Mrs. Potts pours Belle some tea, Witherspoon comes in with a letter. Naturally, since that bird is the only one in the castle, everyone assumes the letter is from the Beast. Belle reads it and rushes to apologize to the Beast. And of course, she fails to mention the darn letter. Hilarity still hasn't ensued yet with regards to that letter, but trust me, it will.
That night, Belle is reading Cinderella to the Beast while he eats…crunchy nut…things. *beat* What. Well the crunchiness of the nuts is driving Belle nuts, so she mentions it. It looks like another fight will break out, but a disaster is averted! Barely. But then…Cogsworth and Lumiere bring up the letter. *pause* Bastards. Naturally, the culprits freak out.
Yeah, I'd be looking like that right about now if I were you guys. Of course, the Beast flips out and Belle takes him to her room to prove that she actually got the letter. He reads it, declares it a forgery, the culprits admit their guilt, get banished, and return in time for the Beast to learn a life lesson.
FINALLY, that one's done. God, I was about ready to shoot those things.
Segment Two…*wince* here we come. Oh, wait…there's a musical number in between. No. No! No! NO! *plugs ears* I am not hearing this! Paige O'Hara, how could you do this to me?!? I am not going to listen to this! *fastforwards*
Okay…God! That was painful. Now we are at segment two. This one is called Fifi's Folly. Wait a minute…who the heck is Fifi? *stares at the opening picture*
Well it sure isn't the candelabra. That's Lumiere. I guess Fifi is his feather duster girlfriend from the movie. *beat* If I were that feather duster, I'd kill my parents for playing such a dirty trick on my by naming me something that you would name a dog. *cough* So what did she do that warrants the title of "Fifi's Folly"? I guess we'll find out.
Well, Fifi is dancing around dusting and the quill pen from the last segment--Aw, man, I thought we got rid of him!--and she says that she is dizzy with love. *beat* So she's in love with Lumiere? Well at least there's a healthy relationship going on in this castle. Belle walks in and Fifi starts bragging about her healthy love life. *blinks* Well that's sort of bitchy of her. Bragging about the fact that you have everything you ever wanted out of life when the person you're talking to lost everything and has to deal with a Beast every day? What does Lumiere see in this feather duster? *eyeroll* I really do hate this film.
Well apparently tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of Lumiere and Fifi's first date. At least Belle gets back at the braggy feather duster with some sarcasm that obviously goes way over Fifi's head. I knew I admired that woman for a reason. Meanwhile, Lumiere has completely forgot about his anniversary. Typical. Belle gives him a hint to do something special and Lumiere rushes off to write a love speech. *beat* I am not going to even bother making a joke about that.
So, being a candelabra, he sets a bit of parchment on fire. And, Belle being Belle, she saves the day by putting it out with the tea in Mrs. Potts. *wince* That's so wrong on so many levels. The things we miss as children. Anyway. Belle asks why on earth it was that Lumiere was setting fire to the library and offers to help him come up with a lovely way to win Fifi's heart again without massive damage to personal property. Having learned from his stupidity, Lumiere naturally says yes and thank you.
…Honestly, the last thing I want to hear right now is Lumiere practicing poetry. Well, Fifi sees Lumiere and Belle talking together and instantly assumes an affair. The fact that Lumiere used the phrase "Make beautiful music together" might have helped. They got away with that in a kid's film? Wow. Just…wow.
Lumiere and Belle relive the first date that Fifi and Lumiere had together with Fifi stalking them the whole time. Jealous as hell, the feather duster goes off to find some advice about what to do. So she goes to the quill pen--good God, just go away already!--for advice. He tells her to make Lumiere jealous, but that fails miserably since she chose to flirt with Cogsworth of all people. With that failing, Fifi decides to sabotage the sledge that Lumiere has made by hooking up a punch bowl to the footstool dog from the film. *beat* And it didn't occur to her that Belle can't fit inside the punch bowl? *longer pause* She's an idiot as well as a bitch!
Well the next night, FIfi finds out that Lumiere was planning everything for her. She really needs to get her IQ checked, because I think it's something around -140! Well, up until the sledge ride, everything goes according to Lumiere's plans. Then Fifi's plan comes into play and the sledge pulls away from the footstool puppy. Anybody who didn't see that coming a mile away needs glasses.
Well Belle and Mrs. Potts spot the crazy sledge and as it goes off the wall into a gorge--where did the gorge come from?--and run to the rescue. Lumiere manages to get out his words of love and Belle again saves the day and we cut to…another freakin' musical number. We are not even going to discuss this.
*fastforwards hastily*
And now we are on the third segment:
Broken Wing. That isn't depressing at all. One wonders what this is going to be about. Judging by the picture, a bird is involved. *makes a face* Lovely. So we see the Beast being a total jerkass, ordering all these things for a supposed "romantic" luncheon with Belle and harrying poor Cogsworth. Jeez, the Beast really backslid from being a nice guy trying to win over Belle in the real film. Outside, the wind is blowing something crazy, and a poor little bird is stuck in the middle of it. *beat* Jarring.
So the bird slams into the wall of the castle and lands outside of Belle's room. Inside of the room, the wardrobe--you remember the one from the original film--is going on and on about all the bad things about the Beast. Classy. It turns out the wardrobe is allergic to birds. *beat* Okay, I'll roll with that. Well the bird holds out its wing and through her psychic animal powers, Belle instinctively knows that the wing is broken. So she ties it up with the help of Mrs. Potts and Chip. How a teapot and teacup could help bind a broken wing is beyond me, but we aren't going to go into that flaw of logic.
Turns out the Beast hates cute animals.
I wonder why that is. Well, because of this, Belle and the objects have to hide the bird from him. *beat* Wow…I pity the guy who had to write down that plot idea. Anyway, in our B plot, the Beast--after a little coaching from Mrs. Potts (it's like he totally went back to not even knowing how to talk to Belle)--asks Belle to have lunch with him and Cogsworth goes all fascist dictator on the household.
…Disney is full of Nazi clocks. You can now tremble in fear.
Anyway…Belle goes on to keep trying to keep the bird a secret from the Beast and she misses the lunch planned for her and the Beast. Cue angst. So the Beast goes after her and finds out about the bird. Cue argument. The Beast hears the bird sing and puts it in a cage to sing for him anytime he wants. In the B plot, Cogsworth has whipped everyone into shape, Nazi style.
Angst happens, Belle shouts at the Beast a lot, things are resolved, apologies exchanged, lessons learned.
*headdesks* Thank God that's over! The stories are crap, the animation sucks, and the lessons are about as subtle as an anvil dropping on top of your head. Really, who did Disney think this would appeal to? *beat as she sees a picture of herself as an eight year old* Shut up, bastards. So this is supposed to appeal to little kids, but this is an insult to the intelligence of any child over the age of one! God Almighty…I am glad that thing is over. Apparently on the DVD version--yes, they have a DVD copy of this--there's another segment about Mrs. Potts. I didn't bother watching that one, as it was never seen by me when I was little, and it would have been way too much horror for me to stand.
So here you go. I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. I sure didn't. Oh well, Miss Roberta is OUT! Peace!
Now, what is there to love about this film? An easier question to answer would be how can you not love this film? The score is amazing, allowing you to feel everything that the characters do from curiosity to fear to anticipation to sorrow to love. The songs are catchy and beautiful. Example:
Not only is the music wonderful, but the animation stands out. Compared to other animated films of the time--Rock-A-Doodle, I'm looking in your direction--it is lovely and bright. All the colors stand out as they should, and the character designs are believable.
But sadly, I will not be reviewing this beloved animated classic. No…instead, I will be reviewing…*shudder* Belle's Magical World.
If there are those of you who don't know what this abomination is…*beat*…Good for you. That being the case, I recommend you look away now and keep your minds untainted.
Now, I love Beauty and the Beast. I really do. But when Disney reaches out and makes a God-awful sequel to the film that is my favorite animated film of all time…I start to take offence. But I digress. My preferences are not what is important in this review. What is important is that I am trying to prove what a horrible piece of crap this thing is.
The film opens with this sequence: (watch only to about 57 seconds in, please)
In and of itself, this is not so bad. It was actually rather creative, and my eight-year-old mind found it rather enjoyable when this first came out. They even got the voice of the narrator right. When this first came out, it actually seemed very cool to me. It was named after my favorite princess of all time. Heck, her name and her picture are one of the first things that you see in the narration!
See? That had to mean that it was good. At least, that was what I thought to myself. Oh, foolish youth that I was. We move along beyond the opening to the first segment of this thing. Oh, did I forget to mention that it has segments. There isn't even an actual plot! God, did the creativity of Disney completely die after 1995?
Again, I am getting carried away. So the first segment of this atrocity is called "The Perfect Word."
*beat* Say what? What does the perfect word have to anything, let alone with Beauty and the Beast? Are they going to play with how much Belle loves reading? *long pause* No. That still doesn't explain what the title has to do with anything. Will there be something about breaking the spell? *considers* Whatever. Let us move along!
We see Cogsworth lighting up a chandelier. Okay, that's not too bad. The animation leaves a little something to be desired, but isn't that true of most Disney sequels? Maybe this will be better than those other ones.
*sarcastic* Of course it will be. Oh, well. Moving on. The chandelier begins to talk to Cogsworth--justifiable, considering what film this is based off of, where everything talks--and her name is "Chandeliera." I wish I was making this up. Well, it appears that Chandeliera is a little hard of hearing. *sarcastic* I wonder if that will be important later on. *beat* Not a chance.
After the pointless exchange between Cogsworth and Chandeliera, we go to find the Beast dictating a letter…for…firewood? *beat* Well, I guess a castle as big as the Beast's does need firewood if you don't want to freeze your furry backside off. The quill pen writing the letter is moving on its own, but we've seen weirder things in this castle. Unfortunately, the Beast is having difficulty coming up with a reason for why he wants the firewood sent over. *pause* Honestly?
Okay, that is just lame. The Beast might have not been very educated compared to other Disney characters--I mean, if you do the math properly, he was only ten when he was transformed into the Beast (don't think about why the Enchantress would do that to such a little kid, it will give you brain pain)--but he wasn't stupid. I honestly think he would be able to say something a little more intelligent than "Send me firewood because I need it" and he wouldn't be so stupid that he would need a quill pen to tell him that that's what he should say. *grits teeth* I'm barely two minutes in, and already I'm holding back an aneurism! God, Disney, what happened to you?
*coughs* Again, moving on. It turns out that the pile of parchment that the Beast is writing on is also alive. *beat* I'm not even going to think about the horrors that implies. *shakes head* A bird named Witherspoon--don't ask how the bird got trained to do all this, it'll make things go faster--comes in and takes away the letter to…where? *wince* So many plot holes in so little time. I can already see what sort of viewing this will be like.
So, Lumiere comes in. Oh, please, tell me this is where the actual plot kicks in. I'm getting a migraine waiting for it. Lumiere tells the Beast that it's time for dinner, and that Belle will be waiting for them. Okay, again, this is viable. Beast says that Belle makes him nervous and they have a chat about how the Beast should go about impressing her. *pause* Boring, but not unbelievable.
Meanwhile, in the hall, Cogsworth and Belle are walking towards the dining hall. Wait…wasn't he just in the…Forget it, I'm not going to waste time on that. So they are discussing the way that Belle and the Beast are behaving towards each other. Cogsworth describes it as "tranquil." *beat* Really? That's the best word you could come up with? *winces more* David Ogden Stiers…what were you thinking when you agreed to do this thing? Your talent is wasted here!
So he goes on to wonder if that was the right word to use--well of course it wasn't, you idiot! Belle and the Beast are anything but tranquil!--when we meet…a dictionary? Named…Webster?
…Okay, I'll go with that. I've heard weirder things. And…again, this is a castle where everything is alive, it makes sense that some of the books…would be…alive…Wait a second…if all the castle servants turned into living objects…what was Webster's job? I can get what the jobs of the quill pen and parchment from earlier were; scribe and valet, maybe? Or probably scribe and…no, no, I have no idea what the parchment would have been before. Whatever. Moving on.
Belle invites Webster to come with them to dinner. *beat* Why? I thought the whole point of these dinners together were to get them to fall in love? *grits teeth again* Moving on. Wait…Oh, God, they got the entire original cast to do this? WHO AMONG THEM THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! I thought that these people were GOOD actors! I thought they were worthwhile! They should be smarter than that!
*forty-five minutes later*
Sorry about that. *cough* So the Beast greets Belle with a kiss on the hand--oh, yeah, Lumiere gave him that idea. Long story--which she is justifiably surprised (and a little disturbed) by. When is this supposed to be taking place, anyway? After the wolf attack, obviously, but how long after? They never say…so I'm going to just say this is sometime between the wolves and the "Something There" scene. Just accept that and we can get through a lot of this a lot easier.
Belle starts talking about a new book she's reading--which sounds suspiciously like…Cinderella (yes, they went there)--but Lumiere is getting pushed about by Chandeliera as she comes closer to the table to hear the story. I guess that makes sense, as she's supposed to be hard of hearing. Also, the Beast is starting to suffer from how hot the room is. *beat and resists the urge to make some sort of dirty joke* I won't go there. I swear I am not. *cough*Gettingturnedonarewe?*cough*
Well Chandeliera and Lumiere start bickering like an old married couple and there's some insult on both sides. Meanwhile, the Beast is getting hotter and hotter until he insists that the window be opened. This chills everyone, but the Beast is still hot. *beat* I swear it's the fur. Belle uses a big word that Webster has to define for the Beast and a fight breaks out ending with Beast hitting Webster and tossing him to the floor. *applauds sarcastically* Thank you, movie, that made my day. So, Belle stalks off and the Beast goes to sulk.
How is it that these characters have gone from being incredibly loveable and interesting to…this? Okay, no. I'm not going into this. This review will be too long for people to read if I do.
Well time passes and neither Belle nor the Beast are going to apologize. Ladies and Gentlemen, I think I discovered our plot. This is going to be a huge Aesop. Get out the baby seals and your clubs, I think we are going to have little to no subtlety in this.
Apparently Chandeliera and Lumiere aren't apologizing either, but that's our B plot, and therefore not important. Beast flips out at the idea that he needs to apologize first, so Cogsworth and Lumiere go to try and convince Belle that she needs to apologize. Three guesses how that works out.
So no one is budging and both Belle and the Beast are heartbroken. *pause* I'm not even going into this. Because no one is going to apologize on their own, Webster, the quill and the parchment get together to take matters into their own hands. Get out your riot gear, ladies and gentlemen, this is not going to be pretty. Webster dictates a letter of apology which Mrs. Potts--the only member of this cast who is not voiced by her original actress--overhears. She is shocked…but doesn't do anything. A heck of a lot will be avoided if Mrs. Potts said something. But I digress again.
Wait a second…how is Mrs. Potts in Belle's room after just being outside of the library? *shakes head* Forget it. As Mrs. Potts pours Belle some tea, Witherspoon comes in with a letter. Naturally, since that bird is the only one in the castle, everyone assumes the letter is from the Beast. Belle reads it and rushes to apologize to the Beast. And of course, she fails to mention the darn letter. Hilarity still hasn't ensued yet with regards to that letter, but trust me, it will.
That night, Belle is reading Cinderella to the Beast while he eats…crunchy nut…things. *beat* What. Well the crunchiness of the nuts is driving Belle nuts, so she mentions it. It looks like another fight will break out, but a disaster is averted! Barely. But then…Cogsworth and Lumiere bring up the letter. *pause* Bastards. Naturally, the culprits freak out.
Yeah, I'd be looking like that right about now if I were you guys. Of course, the Beast flips out and Belle takes him to her room to prove that she actually got the letter. He reads it, declares it a forgery, the culprits admit their guilt, get banished, and return in time for the Beast to learn a life lesson.
FINALLY, that one's done. God, I was about ready to shoot those things.
Segment Two…*wince* here we come. Oh, wait…there's a musical number in between. No. No! No! NO! *plugs ears* I am not hearing this! Paige O'Hara, how could you do this to me?!? I am not going to listen to this! *fastforwards*
Okay…God! That was painful. Now we are at segment two. This one is called Fifi's Folly. Wait a minute…who the heck is Fifi? *stares at the opening picture*
Well it sure isn't the candelabra. That's Lumiere. I guess Fifi is his feather duster girlfriend from the movie. *beat* If I were that feather duster, I'd kill my parents for playing such a dirty trick on my by naming me something that you would name a dog. *cough* So what did she do that warrants the title of "Fifi's Folly"? I guess we'll find out.
Well, Fifi is dancing around dusting and the quill pen from the last segment--Aw, man, I thought we got rid of him!--and she says that she is dizzy with love. *beat* So she's in love with Lumiere? Well at least there's a healthy relationship going on in this castle. Belle walks in and Fifi starts bragging about her healthy love life. *blinks* Well that's sort of bitchy of her. Bragging about the fact that you have everything you ever wanted out of life when the person you're talking to lost everything and has to deal with a Beast every day? What does Lumiere see in this feather duster? *eyeroll* I really do hate this film.
Well apparently tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of Lumiere and Fifi's first date. At least Belle gets back at the braggy feather duster with some sarcasm that obviously goes way over Fifi's head. I knew I admired that woman for a reason. Meanwhile, Lumiere has completely forgot about his anniversary. Typical. Belle gives him a hint to do something special and Lumiere rushes off to write a love speech. *beat* I am not going to even bother making a joke about that.
So, being a candelabra, he sets a bit of parchment on fire. And, Belle being Belle, she saves the day by putting it out with the tea in Mrs. Potts. *wince* That's so wrong on so many levels. The things we miss as children. Anyway. Belle asks why on earth it was that Lumiere was setting fire to the library and offers to help him come up with a lovely way to win Fifi's heart again without massive damage to personal property. Having learned from his stupidity, Lumiere naturally says yes and thank you.
…Honestly, the last thing I want to hear right now is Lumiere practicing poetry. Well, Fifi sees Lumiere and Belle talking together and instantly assumes an affair. The fact that Lumiere used the phrase "Make beautiful music together" might have helped. They got away with that in a kid's film? Wow. Just…wow.
Lumiere and Belle relive the first date that Fifi and Lumiere had together with Fifi stalking them the whole time. Jealous as hell, the feather duster goes off to find some advice about what to do. So she goes to the quill pen--good God, just go away already!--for advice. He tells her to make Lumiere jealous, but that fails miserably since she chose to flirt with Cogsworth of all people. With that failing, Fifi decides to sabotage the sledge that Lumiere has made by hooking up a punch bowl to the footstool dog from the film. *beat* And it didn't occur to her that Belle can't fit inside the punch bowl? *longer pause* She's an idiot as well as a bitch!
Well the next night, FIfi finds out that Lumiere was planning everything for her. She really needs to get her IQ checked, because I think it's something around -140! Well, up until the sledge ride, everything goes according to Lumiere's plans. Then Fifi's plan comes into play and the sledge pulls away from the footstool puppy. Anybody who didn't see that coming a mile away needs glasses.
Well Belle and Mrs. Potts spot the crazy sledge and as it goes off the wall into a gorge--where did the gorge come from?--and run to the rescue. Lumiere manages to get out his words of love and Belle again saves the day and we cut to…another freakin' musical number. We are not even going to discuss this.
*fastforwards hastily*
And now we are on the third segment:
Broken Wing. That isn't depressing at all. One wonders what this is going to be about. Judging by the picture, a bird is involved. *makes a face* Lovely. So we see the Beast being a total jerkass, ordering all these things for a supposed "romantic" luncheon with Belle and harrying poor Cogsworth. Jeez, the Beast really backslid from being a nice guy trying to win over Belle in the real film. Outside, the wind is blowing something crazy, and a poor little bird is stuck in the middle of it. *beat* Jarring.
So the bird slams into the wall of the castle and lands outside of Belle's room. Inside of the room, the wardrobe--you remember the one from the original film--is going on and on about all the bad things about the Beast. Classy. It turns out the wardrobe is allergic to birds. *beat* Okay, I'll roll with that. Well the bird holds out its wing and through her psychic animal powers, Belle instinctively knows that the wing is broken. So she ties it up with the help of Mrs. Potts and Chip. How a teapot and teacup could help bind a broken wing is beyond me, but we aren't going to go into that flaw of logic.
Turns out the Beast hates cute animals.
I wonder why that is. Well, because of this, Belle and the objects have to hide the bird from him. *beat* Wow…I pity the guy who had to write down that plot idea. Anyway, in our B plot, the Beast--after a little coaching from Mrs. Potts (it's like he totally went back to not even knowing how to talk to Belle)--asks Belle to have lunch with him and Cogsworth goes all fascist dictator on the household.
…Disney is full of Nazi clocks. You can now tremble in fear.
Anyway…Belle goes on to keep trying to keep the bird a secret from the Beast and she misses the lunch planned for her and the Beast. Cue angst. So the Beast goes after her and finds out about the bird. Cue argument. The Beast hears the bird sing and puts it in a cage to sing for him anytime he wants. In the B plot, Cogsworth has whipped everyone into shape, Nazi style.
Angst happens, Belle shouts at the Beast a lot, things are resolved, apologies exchanged, lessons learned.
*headdesks* Thank God that's over! The stories are crap, the animation sucks, and the lessons are about as subtle as an anvil dropping on top of your head. Really, who did Disney think this would appeal to? *beat as she sees a picture of herself as an eight year old* Shut up, bastards. So this is supposed to appeal to little kids, but this is an insult to the intelligence of any child over the age of one! God Almighty…I am glad that thing is over. Apparently on the DVD version--yes, they have a DVD copy of this--there's another segment about Mrs. Potts. I didn't bother watching that one, as it was never seen by me when I was little, and it would have been way too much horror for me to stand.
So here you go. I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. I sure didn't. Oh well, Miss Roberta is OUT! Peace!
