Post by Merlin on Apr 2, 2009 0:52:32 GMT -5
Unfortunately, because I only own this movie on VHS I cannot supply high-quality screencaps.
Forget it. No. I refuse. I am not gonna come up with a pseudo-intelligent introduction this time. No jokes. No gimmicks. No anticlimaxes. This time, I am going to ask you a rhetorical question:
Do you really think a Care Bears movie based on "Alice in Wonderland" is going to be a good adaptation?
Now, I'm pretty sure all of us are familiar with the Care Bears, even if only vaguely. I have seen the old movies, and I am familiar with the animated series, but I do not claim to know a lot about the franchise.
But, yeah, I'm familiar with Nirvana's Care Bears. However, it wasn't until my high school years that I learned of the third theatrically released film: "The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland." Of course I have to see anything with "Alice" or "Wonderland" in the title, so I ordered a VHS copy and watched it for myself (YouTube didn't exist at the time).
I was blown away, but for the wrong reasons!
I think my biggest mistake going into this movie is expecting to watch an adaptation. In all honesty, this is not an adaptation so much as it is borrowing concepts from "Lewis Carroll's Greatest Hits" and utilizing them to create a Care Bears-centered story.
Sure! It's time for a Care Bear Stare at this film!
The film opens with a predictably cheery song sung by Natalie Cole, played over a beautiful morning. "A bear's gotta do what a bear's gotta do," the song states. We eventually focus on Grumpy Bear, which is a good thing, because Grumpy Bear has always been my favorite Care Bear.
But wait! Something is peculiar; Grumpy is stalked by a rabbit in royal clothing. Eventually, the rabbit pops out of a mirror and... um... a very suggestive position is seen.
No comment.
The rabbit constantly spouts that he's late--okay, this is obviously the White Rabbit. So, the White Rabbit constantly spouts that he's late, and he drops by the Care Bears' town in search of his niece, Swift Heart Rabbit. Okay, so according to this film the White Rabbit is related to a Care Bear Cousin. I wonder if Dodo is related to anyone here? Maybe Cozy Heart Penguin!
The White Rabbit brings bad news: his homeland, Wonderland, is missing its royal princess, and unless she is found soon, the Wizard will take over the kingdom, "and everyone will be forced to....... obey him." Aren't everyone forced to....... obey all monarchs, including royal princesses? Before we can make sense of this weird statement, Brave Heart Lion shouts his catchphrase, "CHARGE!", and everyone is off to find the Princess.
Hmm... pink, bland-looking and devoid of character. Yep, she's a stock princess, all right!
With photographs of the Princess, the Care Bears and the Cousins search high and low all over the world for anyone who could help them. Even speaking to racially insensitive caricatures don't provide help.
No, these aren't offensive at all!
Finally, Grumpy Bear gets a lead: a little girl named Alice bears an uncanny resemblance to the Wonderland Princess. It turns out that Alice feels inferior. Of course, she has every right to be; anyone who wears such gaudy clothing deserves to feel inferior. She explains to her cat Dinah (good!) her lack of confidence. At least Alice isn't wishing that babies will be born girls! Fortunately, the White Rabbit, Grumpy Bear and Swift Heart Rabbit burst into Alice's home. Instead of screaming, Alice instead recognizes them: "You're the Care Bears!" Dang, those CBs are popular!
The plan is this: Alice will go to Wonderland and pretend to be the lookalike Princess, until the real Princess is found and restored. It sounds simple enough, but Alice is unsure of herself. She is quick to change her mind, though, when the White Rabbit begs her. He and Swift Heart explain that if the Princess (or a decoy) isn't restored to the throne quickly, then the evil wizard will take over Wonderland. Wow, this is fun, isn't it? I mean, there's no suspenseful buildup at all; we know about the wizard and his evil intentions right off the bat. I guess we can't expect to be surprised by this film. Yipee!
Brave Heart Lion, Lotsa Heart Elephant, Tenderheart Bear, Good Luck Bear and Alice all jump into the mirror, a portal to Wonderland, but it is instantly shattered by the unseen wizard's powers. This leaves the White Rabbit, Swift Heart and Grumpy behind, so they have to find another entrance into Wonderland: down a rabbit hole. This rabbit hole proves to be even weirder than Disney's rabbit hole scene, if you can believe it!
So when all of them are in Wonderland and head for Heart Castle, there's another song. So this is the film's third song: the other two were played at the film's beginning, and the "Has Anybody Seen This Girl?" sequence. Unfortunately, the songs are by no means Howard Ashman material.
Okay, those big blue things are frightening, but you know what's also frightening? This! Wonderland is no longer the nonsensical metaphors of English history, but is instead a Looney Tunes-esque hellhole. This is depressing...
Grumpy Bear is also depressed, too. He skipped out on breakfast, and his running gag throughout this movie is his gradual hunger. Hilarious, no?
As our heroes head for Heart Castle, the wizard watches over them, and we are also introduced to his two assistants who are a throwback to Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum: Dim and Dum. Ha, bull! They're like throwbacks to Wizard No Heart's assistant, Beastly, from the TV series. Dim and Dum are, thankfully, extremely annoying--because all great sidekicks are annoying, right?! This duo makes Pain and Panic look like sophisticated gentlemen.
The wizard, Dim and Dum pretty much tell the viewers that the real Princess is locked away in the Jabberwocky's cave. Whoa, really? You know, this movie could actually be worth it! I mean, who doesn't love the Jabberwock, that really a big, deadly dragon-like creature from Through the Looking-Glass? Sure, the Jabberwock was brutally murdered by Mr. T in that awful "Alice Through the Looking Glass" film, but this could be different! Let's hope this Jabberwock will be awesome. I mean, even a bunch of fluffballs with stars on their bellies could make a fight look cool, if they Care Bear Stare'd the ferocious Jabberwock, right? ... Actually, no; the Care Bears couldn't make anything look hardcore, but let's just hope this will be the case! Anyway, Dim and Dum are sent to steer our heroes off course.
Speaking of our heroes, they come across a blindingly busy intersection, with a caterpillar as a traffic officer. Oh, man. Sigh. The Care Bears make their way to the caterpillar and ask him how to get to the Palace. A mentioning of the Lobster Quadrille later, the caterpillar points them to a shortcut to the castle. Alas, he forgot to tell them to stay off the checkerboard, and he is too late to inform them directly.
DON'T YOU MEAN CHESSBOARD? YOU REALIZE THAT THROUGH THE LOOKING-GLASS HAD CHESS AND NOT CHECKERS, RIGHT?!
As is obvious, they do arrive at the checkerboard, and they meet Dum and Dim. The annoying Tweedle rejects then bring out huge mecha suit-esque robots to thwart our protagonists--WHAT? Yeah, that's right! There are Gundam-sized robots in this movie. Lewis Carroll, how you've been defiled!
The robots, along with Dim and Dum, are eventually thwarted by the Care Bears, and after that they are reunited with the other few Care Bears and the White Rabbit. Before we think this movie couldn't possibly screw up "Alice in Wonderland' even more, the Cheshire Cat comes in to say a few words. Actually, no. He raps a few words.
No, it's not bad enough that a rapping dog was attached to the Titanic. Now they gotta attached a rapping cat to Wonderland? This is awful!
The wizard is none too happy about these events (he spies on everything via his telescope), and so he orders Dim and Dum to bring Alice directly to him. Meanwhile, Good Luck, Brave Heart, Swift Heart and Grumpy go their separate way as advised by the Cheshire Cat, and search for the Mad Hatter. Grumpy eventually wears an admiral's hat by accident, and he starts acting like a stereotypical pirate captain. The bears quickly deduce that each hat they find, when worn, gives them gimmicks, and they use this to eventually find the Mad Hatter.
But more on that later, because now we focus on the rest of the gang, Alice included. Alice is once again growing increasingly unsure of herself, but she is soon captured by Dim and Dum, and brought to the wizard's lair... at Heart Castle. At least Alice did finally arrive there! Of course, the manner she was brought there was pretty unwelcoming. There, the wizard sings his own song to Alice. Just as the Nostalgia Critic has said, the song is lame, the primary instrument is the ukulele, and in the end the wizard makes a particularly disturbing face.
Is it just me, or does the wizard look like a wimpy, nonthreatening Jafar?
Oh, whatever. Alice escapes the crappy song and ends up in the throne room of the Queen of Hearts. The Queen is of course aware that Alice isn't her legitimate daughter, but the fat monarch pretends she is. This is to keep the wizard's plan from fulfilling immediately, but the real princess must be restored for the following day's coronation. Maybe I don't know how the monarch system works, but couldn't the Queen of Hearts merely arrest the wizard and send out a search? "But I have no proof," she says. Doesn't anything a monarch of the past era says, goes? Another thing, have you noticed that the Queen of Hearts is not angry, mad, or even antagonistic? That's right; in this film, the Queen of Hearts is an ally. Kinda like "Adventures in Wonderland," only with light skin. Alice is trained to act like a royal princess, a role she will have to mimic until the real princess is found.
The princess is required to drink tea and play croquet. While that sounds fairly easy, that's the joke: she has to drink a dozen cups of tea and play croquet simultaneously. I admit, that's kind of a clever gag. The wizard and his goons try to thwart the game, but they fail. The wizard is none to happy about--
... HAHAHAHA! Look at his face! What the heck?
Cut to the other group and their Musical Hats game. I've noticed something: why do the Care Bears have tramp stamps? They have tattoos of hearts right on their buttocks. May I ask why? Also, why is it that the more I listen to Brave Heart, the more he sounds like John Goodman?
Eventually, the group does find the Mad Hatter, and... boy. The Mad Hatter is just as defiled as any other Wonderland character. Perhaps not as shockingly horrific as the Cheshire Cat, but take a gander at his song:
Because kids today are going to know who the hell W.C. Fields and Pete Lorre were! Also, why does this film have a second song with racial stereotypes? This movie is not only bad; it's insensitive! It's no wonder the Care Bears tackled the Hatter for no apparent reason.
Well, the Mad Hatter knows where Alice is, and leads them to the Jabberwocky's lair. Okay, again with the Jabberwock! This could be the one awesome thing about this film! It really could...
They inch into the Jabberwocky's lair, where Alice is caged. Cool, this could be the film's one redeeming factor! So eventually a roar is heard... and quaking footsteps are felt. This is it, guys! The Jabberwock is coming! He barges into the scene... carrying a newspaper, jumps on his sofa, and reads said newspaper.
"Damn, no job openings. Today's economy really sucks."
...
...
...
...
.
I... can't do this. I'm sorry. I'm giving up. I cannot stand this piece of dreck any longer--NO! I have to persevere!
Man alive, even the film thinks this is terrible; it cuts from this scene and focuses on what goes on in Heart Palace. Dim and Dum fail to even abduct a sleeping Alice, and are given new orders: steal the Book of Wonder. What's the Book of Wonder, and why has it only been mentioned now?
This film must have attention deficit disorder, because we then cut back to the Jabberwocky's Ideal Home of Newspapers. Grumpy is eventually catapulted to the cage by a sleeping Jabberwock's sneeze, and the Care Bear is amazed that the Princess "looks just like her!" The Princess responds, "I look just like whom?" Hey, you're supposed to say whom, not who! Wait, you did say it correctly. My bad! So many people botch that rule up nowadays, I just... force of habit, you know? Sorry.
The Jabberwock wakes up and notices Grumpy trying to free Alice, but the Mad Hatter putz on a Third Reich general's hat [!!!] and says, "Ready, aim..." Then he puts on a fire fighter's helmet and screams, "FIRE!" This is so funny, isn't it? Grumpy does manage to free the Princess, and they all try to flee the Jabberwock, who looks very much like a crudely designed Muppet. They eventually slip into a crack in the wall, while the Jabberwock trips and slides into the wall, crashing through it. The Care Bears and the Princess decide to stay and help the Jabberwock, because he has a thorn in his paw.
Aw, isn't that nice? The Jabberwocky kidnapped and kept Alice a prisoner and just tried to attack the gang, yet he's instantly forgiven because he has a splinter, and "that explains why he's so miserable." What hack writing! Devour them, Jabberwocky! You still have a hope for redemption! Nope! The heroes do help him, and the Jabberwock speaks and says the following, with a Muppet-esque voice:
"That feels wonderful! Thank you so very much! Call me Stan! It's much easier to say. [cry] Nobodies ever been this nice to me before! You've all made me very happy!" [sobs]
Call me... Stan? CALL ME STAN? CALL ME STAN?!?! Everyone, for every bad film there is a scene that makes me throw my hands up in the air and literally curse. For this film, it is this scene! This is awful. I don't care if you're not doing a straight adaptation of the Alice stories, and are just using concepts and ideas for a largely original piece of work--taking a well-known, sinister creature like the Jabberwock and turning him into a big, dopey goof and having him say, "Call me Stan" is just horrendous! The Jabberwock is very well known, so you have absolutely no excuse to take him and have him say, "Call me Stan."
That's no different than having Maleficent come out and join the heroes, and then says, "Call me Judy!" That is no different than the Lord of Darkness from "Legend" coming clean and say, "Call me Tim!" What the hell?!
Ugh. Just [bleedin'] ugh. And could someone please kill that Mad Hatter? He's so annoying! I'm so angry right now; the only thing that can cheer me up is death. To add salt to the wound, everyone climbs aboard the Jabberwock, and he flies them to the palace. Kind of like Falkor from "The NeverEnding Story," except... lame.
Alas, they're too late. Alice has to go ahead with the coronation. The wizard chimes in and legally (according to the Book of Wonder) challenges Alice to partake in the Princess Test. She must go to a wasteland, take a cup of a well of spring water, and must cause a garden to bloom. Yeah, kinda convoluted. This test turns out to be really sucky for Alice, but fortunately for her, she is assisted by the Cheshire Cat--GOD, I HATE THIS MOVIE.
Blah. Alice climbs the mountain and gets the spring water, but she uses said spring water on a wounded unicorn, thus restoring its health. She returns to the throne room with the unicorn, but she still has to make the flowers bloom. During the last part of the test, the Cheshire Cat causes a distraction, Alice and the Princess switch places, and therefore the Princess is easily able to make the flowers bloom. The wizard is defeated.
You're probably asking yourself, "Does the wizard fight our heroes at all? I mean, he spent the entire film bragging about his powers and how he'll succeed, so shouldn't he at least refuse to go down without a fight?" Well, this is the final confrontation of the wizard: he raises his hands in the air and runs after the Princess, Alice and the Queen of Hearts, all while growling. Fortunately, he is stopped by the Care Bears Stare, and he is truly defeated by this. Why didn't he use his magic? Why did he stupidly charge like Gossamer from Looney Tunes instead of acting like an actual credible wizard? I don't know; I find it stupid how the biggest action scene in this damn film is that lame checkers-robot confrontation. No matter how much you wish, the wizard goes insane and is arrested after the Jabberwock returns and says, "Call me Stan!"
SO THIS FILM NOT ONLY HAS THE AUDACITY TO KILL THE JABBERWOCK ONCE, BUT ALSO TWICE! JOY!
The Princess becomes the Queen of Wonderland, Alice returns home with new confidence, and once again the Care Bears shove goodwill and morals down our unwilling throats.
This movie is terrible. It's easily the worst in the original Care Bears film trilogy, and it's also one of Nirvana's absolute worst efforts. This movie tried to be a wacky yet magical journey with borrowing concepts from Lewis Carroll, but here's the thing: if you borrow from a well known series of stories, you are expected to make an adaptation, and not a piece of unsanitary garbage like this.
But, hey! At least the end credits are good. ... Nope! Just kidding; the end credits are as bad as the rest of the film!
The animation, while sometimes zany and colorful, is for the most part unimpressive, and sometimes downright poor. The songs are unbearable, and a lot of the characters are just running on steam; I couldn't really care less for this movie's Alice, and the wizard was pure cardboard. Dim and Dum are unfunny jokes, and the Jabberwock--excuse me--STAN is a complete failure.
I give this film a whopping * out of ****, but, hey! At least this movie proves that even believing in yourself is not enough!
Special thanks to YouTube users cb82fan and workdamnyou for the videos and images! And special thanks to Hannah for the "The Jabberwock saying 'Call me Stan' is just like Maleficent saying 'Call me Judy!'" joke! Also, I want to thank my friend Collin for his "no wonder they tackled the Mad Hatter" and "no fight could make the Care Bears look cool" jokes!
