Post by jane on Jun 8, 2010 20:23:39 GMT -5
Disclaimer: This is only my opinion as a scorned Disney fan.
You are also warned about the subject matter (nothing too mature, but just a heads-up!)
>
Kill me.
In the vein of Elisa's brilliant Hunchback of Notre Dame II review (thanks for sitting through such a painful movie so we didn't have to!), I, who used to be enamored with Disney's Tarzan, will review its crappy sequel, Tarzan & Jane. Oh wait -- should I say, three episodes of its crappy TV series, The Legend of Tarzan.
.... I'm going to regret this, big time.
So, we begin with what I can only say is a crappy computer-animated title sequence mixed with a crappy hand drawn title sequence. Oh, and this film has opening credits, immediately claiming that Edgar Rice Burroughs is responsible for this crap. It's like Disney knew this would be bad. Or, maybe it's a credit left over from the TV show, seeing as this is three episodes pasted together into one 'movie'. Not like we haven't seen that before (*cough*PrincessEnchantedTales*cough*).
Oh, and of course we get Phil Collins singing the classic 'Two Worlds', as was the case with the first movie. Except in the original, it played out to a pretty epic and gorgeously animated shipwreck scene. In this film however, it plays out to this:
I don't even HAVE to explain what's wrong with this, but I will: LOOK AT TARZAN! Am I the only one that's thinking he looks a little ... man in drag-ish? Anyone?
Oh yeah, I forgot (silly me). This isn't the original version of Two Worlds. No, this is the REMIX! Oh, goody! This one isn't just Phil -- it's a duet with Mandy Moore! Lets keep in mind, this was back when she was a teen-pop singer. Something tells me Mr. Collins was never informed of this ... my guess is that they just took out a couple of his parts and replaced them with Mandy.
... And then, Jane speaks. You know, at least in HONDII they actually got the original voice actors, despite the bad animation and poor excuse for a story. But Jane ... oh, f***, I'm not even going to get into it. Lets just say, it sounds like Kate Winslet got put through a meat grinder. While singing. Just imagine that. She also looks like a frog.
So, then we get into the 'plot'. Jane convinces Tarzan to go off and do ... jungle stuff for a while, so she can be alone. But, she runs into Terk and Tantor. They ask her what she's doing, and Jane says -- wait, WHAT?
Oh, I see. This is the thing that the movie won't explain! HOW CAN JANE TALK TO THE ANIMALS? According to the film, it's been ONE YEAR since Jane 'married' Tarzan, assuming that means one year after the first movie. So ... did she learn how to speak gorilla (elephant?)? Did the animals learn how to speak English? Was it ... magic? Will they explain this? No.
And don't get me started of Terk's voice. If you thought Rosie O'Donnell was bad ... you're in for a hell of a lot worse.
So, aside from that elephant in the room (no pun intended), Jane remarks that in England, people do special things for their anniversaries. So, she wants to throw a party. Terk reminds her that her last party went badly. And we are then thrown into TV episode numero uno.
So this little gem starts with Jane trying to swing on a vine - and failing. Wait a minute, wasn't she a pro at the end of the first movie? Whatever, Jane fails here.
After Tarzan plays a 'cute' little prank on Jane (gag), and we learn that Tarzan and Jane were simply playing 'Treetop Tag' (facepalm), the plot-within-the-plot commences. And we get (lucky us!) three of Jane's friends: Hazel, Greenley, and Eleanor. They've come to 'rescue' Jane from the jungle. I smell a sitcom!
Did I mention that the ship's captain from the first film makes an appearance. His name is Gerald. Thanks for that, movie. We also get one of many sexual innuendos that this movie provides, courtesy of Hazel, who clearly wants to get in Tarzan's pants -- er, loincloth.
Greenley: Uh Jane, you can put in back in its cage now.
Hazel: Cage? He has a cage? *Bedroom eyes*
Jane then drops the ball that she's married, and CUE COMMERCIAL BREAK! Of course, the commercial is replaced by a Battlefield Earth-esque scene wipe. Foreshadowing? So, cut to Tarzan, Jane, Friends, and Professor Porter in Tarzan's parents' treehouse. Huh, must have been fun cleaning that place up. We also learn that Jane makes tea from water and dirt. Again, thank you movie.
We also get a line that - gasp! - might actually be amusing:
One of Jane's Friends: Do tell us about your parents, Tarzan.
Tarzan: I never knew them.
Friends: *sympathy*
Tarzan: They were killed by Sabor, the leopard.
Friends: *Cooing*
Tarzan: In this room.
Friends: o___0
Tarzan: Right over there. *points*
Jane: Oh shi--!
Jane, being the good wife she is, kicks Tarzan out. So when Tarzan is doing ... jungle stuff, Terk convinces him that Jane's friends are civilized, therefore up to no good. We are then introduced to the subplot-within-the-plot-within-the-plot, involving two panthers. Whatever.
So, Jane wants to convince her friends that she's still a proper lady, so she organizes a picnic. In a jungle roaming with dangerous panthers. My, I can see this will end well. Then, spousal argument ensues when Jane tries to make Tarzan put on his father's suit, and Tarzan doesn't want to. By God, this isn't a film - it's a soap opera!
So, Jane picnics for a bit, Tarzan emos for a bit, Professor gives him a heart-to-heart, but we have some PLOT to get to! So to cut things short, panthers try to attack Jane & Co., Tarzan rescues them, friends decide Tarzan isn't so bad after all, Hazel still tries to snag him for herself, and the three of them finally leave.
Ugh, we still have two more of these to get through?
So, on to the next one. The second of these involves a diamond miner and his fat sidekick, arriving at the Trading Post. That's right. Uncivilized jungle has a trading post. Why? Pfft, you think they're gonna explain that too? Of course not! So the two men go visit Frenchy McStereotype at the trading post to ask for a guide. And SURPRISE! it's Tarzan.
And oh boy, do we get humor!
Diamond Miner: We've come to look for *whispers* diamonds.
Tarzan: What are *whispers* diamonds?
Ha. Ha. Ha. So anyway, Tarzan decides that Jane would love him more if he gave her a diamond ring. And plot number two kicks off. Tarzan goes with the two diamond guys to the volcano (yes, there's also a volcano). Of course, they encounter danger along the way, this time in the form of alligators. Tarzan defeats them by ... doing acrobatics. Anyway, moving on.
So, Jane and her father go visit Mr. French to ask him why Tarzan left in such a hurry that morning. After making come-ons to Jane, her tells them that he went to the volcano with creepy men in tow. I smell a search! So Tarzan and miners enter the volcano -- did anyone not check if it was dormant? Huh, must be backed up.
So of course the volcano begins to erupt, Jane, Professor, and Terk find Tarzan just as it happens, Tarzan leads them to an escape. But not before ... SURFIN'!!!!
And, because Tarzan's such a nice guy, he saves the two miners as well. And they lose all their diamonds in the process. Pointless sequence? Yeah, pretty much. The two men get arrested (by who?), and life goes back to normal.
So, before we can begin the third sequence, Professor Porter drops by! Hooray! Will he explain why Jane can suddenly talk to Tarzan's animal friends? Hell no! He just talks to them too! When Jane and Daddy finally seem to come up with a good idea, Terk brings it down once again with another flashback sequence.
Well, at least this is the last one. This one starts with a dogfight in the air, presumably in World War I. Wait, WHEN DOES THIS MOVIE TAKE PLACE? Lets see, in the first movie, it was stated that it was Victorian era. This takes place a year after that, which would make it still in the Victorian era. What, did we just fast forward 20 years?! Ugh, forget it. I expect too much from this.
So Mr. Flying Ace is being chased by a cookie cutter villain - he even has a mustache and shouts "Blast!" right on cue. After shooting him down, Mr. Ace mentions that he is going to find Jane Porter. Another plot involving Jane's old friends? Goody! So cut to Professor Porter with Tarzan, Jane, and Terk trying to build a radio. To, you know, communicate with the country they willingly left.
The radio - for some blasphemic reason - works, and beings playing generic symphony music. Cue Tarzan's fail-dancing from 'Strangers Like Me'. Except this time, it's looks even more awkward, if possible. After Jane verbally backhands Tarzan about his dancing, who else stops by but Flying Ace!
As Ace's plane crashes, we get some more bad attempts at humor!
*Plane is dangerously close to Jane and Tarzan*
Jane: Duck!
Tarzan: Big duck.
Isn't it terrible how I could actually PREDICT that joke?
So Tarzan & Co. go to check out the wreckage, Jane probably hoping she could do some pickpocketing. But no, Flying Ace is actually Bobby, Jane's EX-BOYFRIEND! He even has a cute little nickname for her -- Brainy Janey! D'awwwwwwww.
Tarzan decides right off the bat that he doesn't trust Bobby, and even says it to his face. Subtle Tarzan, subtle.
Tarzan: "When I look into his eyes, it's like Sabor is looking back."
I'm not kidding people, HE ACTUALLY SAYS THIS. Come on Tarzan, we want to hear about your daddy issues. So before any more spousal argument can ensue, Professor's radio catches on fire. Tarzan tries to find some water, but Bobby impresses everyone by putting it out with a fire extinguisher! Well, clearly this man is God.
Bobby: "Sorry to steal your fire."
*Headdesk*
So, Jane - once again - ditches Tarzan (my, Tiger Woods could learn something from this lady!) to go off with Bobby McBadass. Jane finds an old music box of hers in the treehouse, and decides to dance with him. Tired of Tarzan's leaping -- I mean, "dancing", I can only guess. But uh oh, Tarzan walks -- er, swings in on them! And he had even brought flowers for her.
WAH. WAH. WAAAAAAAAH.
Jane, of course, gets upset and clumsy, and proceeds to knock over the music box. The music box - get this - turns out to be a code device that Bobby came out to retrieve! As he all to briefly explains, he got into some crap with English authorities (being a double-agent and all), and decided to use Jane for his own safety. So you mean Tarzan was right all along?! OMGZNOWAI!
Bobby: Is it too lowbrow to say that I did it for the money?
Jane: Perhaps. Is it too highbrow to say GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! *Yoinks code machine and dives out window*
Yeah. The Jane who couldn't even swing on a vine now does Mission Impossible-esque stuntwork. Nice continuity. But inevitably, Bobby captures Jane and puts her in his - now repaired (yeah, they won't explain that) - plane. Tarzan and cliche villain-but-actually-good-guy from the beginning of the sequence attempt to save Jane (but not before mustachioed man shouts "Blast!" another few times!).
Somehow, Jane begins to fly the plane, and uses some horrible plane-radio cliches. She even gives Tarzan the code-name 'Jungle Man'. So let me get this straight - Jane has just turned into a James Cameron badass girl. She now dives out of windows and flies planes. Such a lady.
FINALLY, it ends. Jane is saved, Bobby is taken away by Mr. Mustachio, and Tarzan and Jane bury the hatchet once more, and make up.
THANK GOD it's over! Wait, it's not? OH CAMAAAAAAHN!
So, after being verbally beaten up by a gorilla, an elephant, and her own father, Jane goes back to the treehouse all depressed. But wait! Tarzan had been planning a party all along! He even wore THE SUIT HE REFUSED TO PUT ON BEFORE! And - better yet! - HE GIVES HER A DIAMOND RING! You know, all the diamonds that got destroyed in the eruption? LOL JK, they didn't!
Fluffy moments ensue, and then we get this. The biggest middle finger to Edgar Rice Burroughs, and anyone who actually might have - oh, I don't know - enjoyed the first movie?
Behold -- if you dare.
You saw right. A conga. A conga. A CONGA!
That's how we end this, people. With a conga line. And another God-awful Mandy Moore song. Movie, I hate you.
So, there you have it: Tarzan & Jane! How does it measure up? Is that even a relevant question? Of course not! This makes me weep. This makes me want to scream. This makes me want to pull a Blind Mag and gouge my eyes out.
Or, maybe it just makes me want to watch the first movie.
Amen.
You are also warned about the subject matter (nothing too mature, but just a heads-up!)
>
Kill me.
In the vein of Elisa's brilliant Hunchback of Notre Dame II review (thanks for sitting through such a painful movie so we didn't have to!), I, who used to be enamored with Disney's Tarzan, will review its crappy sequel, Tarzan & Jane. Oh wait -- should I say, three episodes of its crappy TV series, The Legend of Tarzan.
.... I'm going to regret this, big time.
So, we begin with what I can only say is a crappy computer-animated title sequence mixed with a crappy hand drawn title sequence. Oh, and this film has opening credits, immediately claiming that Edgar Rice Burroughs is responsible for this crap. It's like Disney knew this would be bad. Or, maybe it's a credit left over from the TV show, seeing as this is three episodes pasted together into one 'movie'. Not like we haven't seen that before (*cough*PrincessEnchantedTales*cough*).
Oh, and of course we get Phil Collins singing the classic 'Two Worlds', as was the case with the first movie. Except in the original, it played out to a pretty epic and gorgeously animated shipwreck scene. In this film however, it plays out to this:
Guess it was too much to wish for Deep Canvas, huh?
I don't even HAVE to explain what's wrong with this, but I will: LOOK AT TARZAN! Am I the only one that's thinking he looks a little ... man in drag-ish? Anyone?
Oh yeah, I forgot (silly me). This isn't the original version of Two Worlds. No, this is the REMIX! Oh, goody! This one isn't just Phil -- it's a duet with Mandy Moore! Lets keep in mind, this was back when she was a teen-pop singer. Something tells me Mr. Collins was never informed of this ... my guess is that they just took out a couple of his parts and replaced them with Mandy.
Phil is not impressed.
... And then, Jane speaks. You know, at least in HONDII they actually got the original voice actors, despite the bad animation and poor excuse for a story. But Jane ... oh, f***, I'm not even going to get into it. Lets just say, it sounds like Kate Winslet got put through a meat grinder. While singing. Just imagine that. She also looks like a frog.
Jane tries to get herself a peek.
So, then we get into the 'plot'. Jane convinces Tarzan to go off and do ... jungle stuff for a while, so she can be alone. But, she runs into Terk and Tantor. They ask her what she's doing, and Jane says -- wait, WHAT?
Oh, I see. This is the thing that the movie won't explain! HOW CAN JANE TALK TO THE ANIMALS? According to the film, it's been ONE YEAR since Jane 'married' Tarzan, assuming that means one year after the first movie. So ... did she learn how to speak gorilla (elephant?)? Did the animals learn how to speak English? Was it ... magic? Will they explain this? No.
And don't get me started of Terk's voice. If you thought Rosie O'Donnell was bad ... you're in for a hell of a lot worse.
So, aside from that elephant in the room (no pun intended), Jane remarks that in England, people do special things for their anniversaries. So, she wants to throw a party. Terk reminds her that her last party went badly. And we are then thrown into TV episode numero uno.
So this little gem starts with Jane trying to swing on a vine - and failing. Wait a minute, wasn't she a pro at the end of the first movie? Whatever, Jane fails here.
After Tarzan plays a 'cute' little prank on Jane (gag), and we learn that Tarzan and Jane were simply playing 'Treetop Tag' (facepalm), the plot-within-the-plot commences. And we get (lucky us!) three of Jane's friends: Hazel, Greenley, and Eleanor. They've come to 'rescue' Jane from the jungle. I smell a sitcom!
Pwned.
Did I mention that the ship's captain from the first film makes an appearance. His name is Gerald. Thanks for that, movie. We also get one of many sexual innuendos that this movie provides, courtesy of Hazel, who clearly wants to get in Tarzan's pants -- er, loincloth.
Greenley: Uh Jane, you can put in back in its cage now.
Hazel: Cage? He has a cage? *Bedroom eyes*
Jane then drops the ball that she's married, and CUE COMMERCIAL BREAK! Of course, the commercial is replaced by a Battlefield Earth-esque scene wipe. Foreshadowing? So, cut to Tarzan, Jane, Friends, and Professor Porter in Tarzan's parents' treehouse. Huh, must have been fun cleaning that place up. We also learn that Jane makes tea from water and dirt. Again, thank you movie.
We also get a line that - gasp! - might actually be amusing:
One of Jane's Friends: Do tell us about your parents, Tarzan.
Tarzan: I never knew them.
Friends: *sympathy*
Tarzan: They were killed by Sabor, the leopard.
Friends: *Cooing*
Tarzan: In this room.
Friends: o___0
Tarzan: Right over there. *points*
Jane: Oh shi--!
Jane, being the good wife she is, kicks Tarzan out. So when Tarzan is doing ... jungle stuff, Terk convinces him that Jane's friends are civilized, therefore up to no good. We are then introduced to the subplot-within-the-plot-within-the-plot, involving two panthers. Whatever.
So, Jane wants to convince her friends that she's still a proper lady, so she organizes a picnic. In a jungle roaming with dangerous panthers. My, I can see this will end well. Then, spousal argument ensues when Jane tries to make Tarzan put on his father's suit, and Tarzan doesn't want to. By God, this isn't a film - it's a soap opera!
So, Jane picnics for a bit, Tarzan emos for a bit, Professor gives him a heart-to-heart, but we have some PLOT to get to! So to cut things short, panthers try to attack Jane & Co., Tarzan rescues them, friends decide Tarzan isn't so bad after all, Hazel still tries to snag him for herself, and the three of them finally leave.
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! HE'S HUNGRY FOR BRAINZ!
Ugh, we still have two more of these to get through?
So, on to the next one. The second of these involves a diamond miner and his fat sidekick, arriving at the Trading Post. That's right. Uncivilized jungle has a trading post. Why? Pfft, you think they're gonna explain that too? Of course not! So the two men go visit Frenchy McStereotype at the trading post to ask for a guide. And SURPRISE! it's Tarzan.
Frenchy McStereotype is not impressed either.
And oh boy, do we get humor!
Diamond Miner: We've come to look for *whispers* diamonds.
Tarzan: What are *whispers* diamonds?
Ha. Ha. Ha. So anyway, Tarzan decides that Jane would love him more if he gave her a diamond ring. And plot number two kicks off. Tarzan goes with the two diamond guys to the volcano (yes, there's also a volcano). Of course, they encounter danger along the way, this time in the form of alligators. Tarzan defeats them by ... doing acrobatics. Anyway, moving on.
FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....
So, Jane and her father go visit Mr. French to ask him why Tarzan left in such a hurry that morning. After making come-ons to Jane, her tells them that he went to the volcano with creepy men in tow. I smell a search! So Tarzan and miners enter the volcano -- did anyone not check if it was dormant? Huh, must be backed up.
"I get the same problem with sauerkraut."
So of course the volcano begins to erupt, Jane, Professor, and Terk find Tarzan just as it happens, Tarzan leads them to an escape. But not before ... SURFIN'!!!!
"Woah, gnaaaaaaarly!"
And, because Tarzan's such a nice guy, he saves the two miners as well. And they lose all their diamonds in the process. Pointless sequence? Yeah, pretty much. The two men get arrested (by who?), and life goes back to normal.
"Please! Your omnipotent! Have mercy!"
So, before we can begin the third sequence, Professor Porter drops by! Hooray! Will he explain why Jane can suddenly talk to Tarzan's animal friends? Hell no! He just talks to them too! When Jane and Daddy finally seem to come up with a good idea, Terk brings it down once again with another flashback sequence.
Well, at least this is the last one. This one starts with a dogfight in the air, presumably in World War I. Wait, WHEN DOES THIS MOVIE TAKE PLACE? Lets see, in the first movie, it was stated that it was Victorian era. This takes place a year after that, which would make it still in the Victorian era. What, did we just fast forward 20 years?! Ugh, forget it. I expect too much from this.
So Mr. Flying Ace is being chased by a cookie cutter villain - he even has a mustache and shouts "Blast!" right on cue. After shooting him down, Mr. Ace mentions that he is going to find Jane Porter. Another plot involving Jane's old friends? Goody! So cut to Professor Porter with Tarzan, Jane, and Terk trying to build a radio. To, you know, communicate with the country they willingly left.
The radio - for some blasphemic reason - works, and beings playing generic symphony music. Cue Tarzan's fail-dancing from 'Strangers Like Me'. Except this time, it's looks even more awkward, if possible. After Jane verbally backhands Tarzan about his dancing, who else stops by but Flying Ace!
"Tarzan do good?"
As Ace's plane crashes, we get some more bad attempts at humor!
*Plane is dangerously close to Jane and Tarzan*
Jane: Duck!
Tarzan: Big duck.
Isn't it terrible how I could actually PREDICT that joke?
So Tarzan & Co. go to check out the wreckage, Jane probably hoping she could do some pickpocketing. But no, Flying Ace is actually Bobby, Jane's EX-BOYFRIEND! He even has a cute little nickname for her -- Brainy Janey! D'awwwwwwww.
Tarzan decides right off the bat that he doesn't trust Bobby, and even says it to his face. Subtle Tarzan, subtle.
This movie has so many awkward moments. I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable for the movie.
Tarzan: "When I look into his eyes, it's like Sabor is looking back."
I'm not kidding people, HE ACTUALLY SAYS THIS. Come on Tarzan, we want to hear about your daddy issues. So before any more spousal argument can ensue, Professor's radio catches on fire. Tarzan tries to find some water, but Bobby impresses everyone by putting it out with a fire extinguisher! Well, clearly this man is God.
Bobby: "Sorry to steal your fire."
*Headdesk*
So, Jane - once again - ditches Tarzan (my, Tiger Woods could learn something from this lady!) to go off with Bobby McBadass. Jane finds an old music box of hers in the treehouse, and decides to dance with him. Tired of Tarzan's leaping -- I mean, "dancing", I can only guess. But uh oh, Tarzan walks -- er, swings in on them! And he had even brought flowers for her.
WAH. WAH. WAAAAAAAAH.
Jane, of course, gets upset and clumsy, and proceeds to knock over the music box. The music box - get this - turns out to be a code device that Bobby came out to retrieve! As he all to briefly explains, he got into some crap with English authorities (being a double-agent and all), and decided to use Jane for his own safety. So you mean Tarzan was right all along?! OMGZNOWAI!
Bobby: Is it too lowbrow to say that I did it for the money?
Jane: Perhaps. Is it too highbrow to say GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! *Yoinks code machine and dives out window*
Yeah. The Jane who couldn't even swing on a vine now does Mission Impossible-esque stuntwork. Nice continuity. But inevitably, Bobby captures Jane and puts her in his - now repaired (yeah, they won't explain that) - plane. Tarzan and cliche villain-but-actually-good-guy from the beginning of the sequence attempt to save Jane (but not before mustachioed man shouts "Blast!" another few times!).
Somehow, Jane begins to fly the plane, and uses some horrible plane-radio cliches. She even gives Tarzan the code-name 'Jungle Man'. So let me get this straight - Jane has just turned into a James Cameron badass girl. She now dives out of windows and flies planes. Such a lady.
FINALLY, it ends. Jane is saved, Bobby is taken away by Mr. Mustachio, and Tarzan and Jane bury the hatchet once more, and make up.
THANK GOD it's over! Wait, it's not? OH CAMAAAAAAHN!
So, after being verbally beaten up by a gorilla, an elephant, and her own father, Jane goes back to the treehouse all depressed. But wait! Tarzan had been planning a party all along! He even wore THE SUIT HE REFUSED TO PUT ON BEFORE! And - better yet! - HE GIVES HER A DIAMOND RING! You know, all the diamonds that got destroyed in the eruption? LOL JK, they didn't!
Fluffy moments ensue, and then we get this. The biggest middle finger to Edgar Rice Burroughs, and anyone who actually might have - oh, I don't know - enjoyed the first movie?
Behold -- if you dare.
You saw right. A conga. A conga. A CONGA!
That's how we end this, people. With a conga line. And another God-awful Mandy Moore song. Movie, I hate you.
So, there you have it: Tarzan & Jane! How does it measure up? Is that even a relevant question? Of course not! This makes me weep. This makes me want to scream. This makes me want to pull a Blind Mag and gouge my eyes out.
Or, maybe it just makes me want to watch the first movie.
Amen.
"Want a peek, Tarzan?"
